the so-called "joys" of pregnancy

Been up since 4:30 this morning, can't get comfortable no matter what I do, can't fall asleep and I'm EXHAUSTED! No tylenol PM to be had for love or money in this stupid town after 9 pm... current time is 11:14 pm. I've been trying to fall asleep since about 8... 3 hours of miserable nothingness.

I'm losing my mind slowly, and I'm not going to get it back anytime soon. Not to mention that I still feel like crap. Don't know what it was/is, but I've been drinking alot more fluid which isn't really doing anything either way. Bland food isn't really making a difference either. I'm about ready to give up. Everyone says "oh, enjoy it while you can!" IT'S NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE!!! going on 21 hours with no sleep, little food (everything makes me feel sick) and 2 bottles of gatorade. Yeah... not doing this again anytime soon.

Ugh...

Dontcha just hate days where you wake up in the morning and know it's not going to be a good day? It makes me want to go back to bed and not come out until like... 530 tonight. Wake up feeling sick, STILL feeling a little sick 2 hours later, and just hoping it's nothing serious. Probably just something I ate a couple days ago... if it's not better by tonight, I'm going to the doc.

But I'm glad Dad finally clicked it. We were praying for you guys the other night, and I remember saying, "God, they promised each other forever, and 22 years isn't forever!" I felt like a 3 year old... "but you PROMISED!!" Remember that "letter from God" prayer thing you told me about a few years ago? I haven't done that for a while, but I did it the other night, and one of the things God showed me is that I've been shutting Him out alot lately... just like Dad. And that I need to take the first step, regardless of how scary it is. How does it go... Faith is stepping off the edge of everything you've ever known, into the darkness, knowing that there will be a ledge to stand on or you will be taught to fly? I need to do that... step out in faith, and let God catch me. I've realized that these past couple nights as Chris and I make a point of praying together.

He surprised me, and made me ashamed of myself the other day. He asked me how come I never pray anymore, why don't I read my Bible or anything anymore? He said, "That was one of the first things I liked about you, that you prayed out loud. You don't do that anymore." ZING... score one for God, through Chris. So then of course, what do I do? Stay up until 2 am reading my Bible, going over some old studies. I need to find a new one... and not a once a week one either, b/c I'll forget or procrastinate, or just not do it. Off to look for one right now!

Oy....

I'm tired. I know, it's part of being a mom/wife/good friend, but still... I'm tired. After going to the hospital around noon or 1 yesterday (hadn't eaten since 8am), they told me I couldn't eat!!! How are you going to tell a pregnant woman she can't eat??!??!?? So, I've been making up for lost time today, but it's all healthy stuff. A pear, a salad, a slice of coffee cake, and I"m about to go get my marshmallow fix. I said it's been, not it all will be!!!

Still working on the blanket, and dealing with Lil Man's schedule. He likes to try and keep me up at night, but lately I've been so tired that it just doesn't matter. I've just been watching the bump get bigger, and finding things to laugh at in life. He can hear me laughing, singing, talking to him. He may not be able to make out words yet, but he knows my voice. How cool is that?! It was fun listening to him kick at the monitor yesterday, like he wanted it off or something.

The next few hours are going to be very low key, since I'm supposed to work tomorrow. Already looking forward to thursday!!! Chinese - yum!

"Right? Of course right." Yente from Fiddler on the Roof

The bump is getting bigger!! I almost lost my balance just walking down the street yesterday... how wierd is that? I go to look down and all I see is belly, I can't sit certain ways anymore, I can't just bolt up from bed like I used to. It's kinda strange, not being able to do those things, or go 2 hours without running for the nearest bathroom, but at the same time, I know it's a good thing. It means the baby's growing, it means nature is taking it's course. It means a million different things.

I feel like a cow, but a pretty cow, because I take the time to make sure I look nice before I leave the house. That has made ALOT of difference in the past few days. I went to work happier than they've seen me in a long time, was cheerful all day, and came home only slightly beat.

I'm keeping my mind on happy things like my small family, the blanket I'm making for the baby (measures 3 ft. across and 1 ft. up right now), and feeling him kick and turn summersaults. It's so funny to just suddenly feel my stomach go "blurp" and feel his little foot. It's so tiny!!! He's only about a foot long right now and weighs about a pound... he's an "ittle tiny baby" as Chris puts it. *sigh* I have come to the conclusion that life is good...not perfect, not always ideal, but good. And most of what isn't perfect, ideal or good is something that I have no control over, so it does me no good to fuss over it. Right?

Last night...

went alot better than I expected. We talked about the baby, about how serious Dad is about any of his healing stuff. He asked me what I need from him as a dad now, and I told him that really the only thing I need from him is proof that he doesn't want the family to fall apart. The only thing I need from him is for him to step up and do more than just what needs to be done. We talked about some steps he should take... don't know if/when he will, but when I mentioned them he was like, "oh, yeah... I really should do that!" We talked about the next step of his healing, working on his character flaws, and I hope this new counselor really helps him with that. I wouldn't say I saw a different Dad than I saw 2 years ago, but I saw potential, which encouraged me. I saw that he wants to make an effort, but maybe sometimes he doesn't know how? We talked about that alot, actually... what to do when you're not quite sure what the next step is. We talked about going out to Princeton on Friday, and getting that ticket taken care of and the title transfered so that the car is really Michelle's and I have no further attatchment to it, and me opening a savings account in my name only so that there's money set aside in case anything happens. It may not be much at first, but a few dollars a week will start to add up! We'll see what happens with that. It was really nice, even through all the hard parts. I'm glad we made it work, and hopefully we can keep the connection up again.

Poem

I wrote a poem on my myspace that kinda tells the story of the last couple years for me... Some things you probably didn't know in there.. some you might've guessed. It really crushes me (for lack of a better word) that things are the way they are. So many times I've cried for you guys... so many times I've wanted to shake some sense into Dad... so many times I've wanted you to just walk away. But you won't. That's not who you are, it never has been and it never will be. You keep trying and praying thinking that "this time it'll be different." I hope for your sake that it is. I hope this is the "magic bill" that gets Dad to the point of being able to fix himself and your guys's marriage. Like I said before, it's not my fault, but it still hurts like hell to know that he's breaking your heart day after day. To know that he makes you cry so much... to know that you can't stand to be around him....to know that NOTHING has changed in the past 2.5 years. It hurts to know that there's nothing I can do. I know you'd tell me if there was.

So, I know it's not my fault

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like all hell. My heart is in pieces right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together. My family appears to be ripping at the seams... the one thing I've believed my entire life is starting to look like a lie, and I don't know how to deal with that. Like UJ said, "It's a two part equation, and I'm just one part of it." Yes, I'm glad the baby is healthy, but if it would make my FAMILY healthy, I'd give him up in a heartbeat. Ok, no I wouldn't. After feeling him kick so strongly last night, and knowing that he can HEAR me and will soon recognize my voice, I couldn't give him up! He's my pride and joy already, and sometimes my only company. But still, it's so hard to tell what Dad is feeling... last weekend I didn't even know if he was glad to see me until almost the end. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what to talk to him about except work and you guys, and after a while, even THAT gets uncomfortable. I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't. I wish I could put a bandaid on it and call it "all better" but a bandaid won't heal a gunshot wound. I wish, I wish, I wish.... none of it's going to happen. We've been praying, and you've been trying for 2.5 years. Do you really think that paying off the "almighty bill" is going to solve anything? He'll just move on to the next bill, and the next one, and the next one, and on and on it goes. Remember that day in the kitchen when I was making breakfast but dropped it because you needed a hug and you started crying? You said "We're right back to where we were when you were 2." Dad hasn't changed in 17 years!!! If he hasn't changed in 17 years, why would he change now? What's different NOW? As much as I don't want it, I almost wish you guys would split up. At least that way he can't make you cry anymore. at least then he won't be breaking your heart every day.