Why?

Why is it that when I'm stressed, I make lists? Sometimes they're good lists: things that make me happy, movies I want to see, books I liked; and sometimes they're bad lists: things other people do that irritate me, things I haven't done for a while, reasons I'm angry/stressed, tomorrow's hit list. Right now I'm in the process of making about 7 lists, and I think one of them is a good one.

Why is it that when you ask a guy to do something, it takes him forever to pick up on it?? Why is it that when I get stressed, I turn into a card-carrying, broom riding, cauldron stirring witch? Why don't I want to do anything anymore? I don't even want to look for a job, or start school... and sometimes I'm not sure I want to get married. Why? I don't understand it.

Oh, and another thing: why does everyone seem to think that talking about it makes the stress go away? IT'S STILL THERE!!! Why does counseling have such a negative connotation? It's actually really good for you if you do it right... I would know.. I did it wrong.

birthday bemusement

So, here it is, almost 4 days after my birthday, and still no calls from more than half my family. How depressing is that??!?? Not only that, but I realized today that I depend on other people to much to make me happy. So... tomorrow morning, I'm calling Silver Cross to see if they have any volunteer programs that involve working with babies or toddlers, I'm gonna start making my own plans with my friends, and I'm going to keep looking for a job, and keep calling about the compass tests until I get a call back.

Doesn't that irritate you when people don't call you back? I know it bugs the living snot out of me. Another thing that bugs me... when my fiance rolls over and falls asleep without even kissing me goodnight! I mean... if I can get up at 5:30 every single morning to kiss him, I think he can pucker up for me! Oy VEY!!

I don't think he even understands the meaning of the word "romantic"... his idea of fun is having a big-word contest... telling me that I'm using them improperly, and that "you don't even know what that word means.." He's one to talk. Mr. Hotshot himself... grr. *sigh* ok... ranting over.

I need to get one of those "no complaints" bracelets I saw on Oprah the other night. I probably wouldn't even last a day! But on the upside, I'm getting started at Curves soon! WOO WOO! Hopefully before the wedding, I'll be in decent shape. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm marrying him... he doesn't respect me, he doesn't value me, and I'm never going to be as important to him as I should be. Not to mention his multiple addictions... alcohol, smoking and possibly porn.... I just can't live like this. I made up a list today of things Chris can do to make me happy, and when I showed it to him, he laughed at it. Yeah... laughed at it. So apparently, he doesn't even want to make me happy. None of it was really anything that would take much effort, either!! Call me for no reason, remember funny things that happened, make me dinner on your days off, take me for a walk around town, really talk to me... not just "What's for dinner, babe?" or "did you get the laundry done today?' but real conversation. Watch a movie out in the living room with me, take me out once in a while, eat dinner with me... normal-people stuff. That's what he laughed at.. that list. I just don't know how to take that.

*sigh*

been thinking alot lately... and none of it really that good. I mean, I made some money today for the first time in at least 6 months, and I'm going to end up spending 2/3 of it on LAUNDRY of all things. It was either that or spend my birthday doing laundry.. I don't THINK SO!! Yeah.. my 19th is coming up, and I have nothing to show for it. How depressing is that? I'm not in school, don't have a job, spend most of my time sitting around on my tuckus because there's absolutely nothing to do in Elwood. This sucks. God I hate being depressed. I just wish I had some friends of my own, and I wish I could do something for myself for once... something that would make me feel good about myself. UGH. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I'm not good for anything but cooking and cleaning. I give up.. I can't even make myself feel any better. Even writing it out doesn't help. *sigh*