and everything I can't remember....

I probably can't remember for a reason! lol. It's been a long time since I posted, and I need to get back into the habit, but when??? I sit here at my keyboard, fighting tears because again the night didn't go the way I wanted it to... but that's the price I pay for having a toddler. Not that I would trade him for anything! Just disappointed because I hardly see my husband at all, and when I do he's on his way out the door, or he's just sitting on the computer. He's been off work for almost 2 months now, and the doctors are STILL no closer to a diagnosis. They've ruled out only 2 things (granted, 2 big things, but still...) cancer and celiac disease. It looks like the rough season I started at 18 isn't anywhere close to being finished. Dear God, please tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so frustrated and sad and tired and I feel so alone in myself. Even though I know I'm not, it doesn't change the way I feel. All the emotion surging through my brain is enough to make me cry.

Yeah, I know...

It's been a while. I'm due for an update. Ronnie is one now.. I can't believe it. Where did the year go? I miss him being all small and sweet and snuggly, but I'm glad he can fend for himself a little bit. He still needs to be able to see me, but at least I can do my Bible study while he's playing with his shape sorters on the floor. Christopher and I are getting along better... we still have our moments, but they're more good than bad now. I'm coming up on 21 later this month, and I don't feel at all like I thought I would. I remember thinking that 21 would be this big deal, I'd be single, going out with my girlfriends, partying all night.... NOPE! At 21, I'm married with a 1 year old. And toddlers don't understand "Mommy's hung over... go play quietly somewhere else." But I will be going down to the bar for a birthday shot, beer, something. Not a Long Island, though. I want to be coherent in the morning. Maybe a martini next month with Sarah when she comes back in town. Still waiting to hear from Jenn about her first doctors appt. I hope everything's ok. She'll be done with her first trimester in a few weeks.

We went out to the farm today... Grandpa is starting to remind me alot of Papa. I never thought I'd say that, but he is. He just seems so.... frail, so small. I remember thinking that Grandpa was the tallest, strongest person I knew, and now he's not anymore. Grandma was her usual self, I thought. Less snappish, maybe, but pretty much the same Grandma. I think she's having a hard time with the move. I don't think she's quite ready to give up the farm... and neither is Grandpa. They seem comfortable in their new house, but still out of place somehow.. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I've always associated them with the farm, with a big house. I don't know. It's to late for my brain to be working this hard. I'm going to bed. I'll try to post more pix of Ronnie in the next week or so.

New Years....

Ok, so I'm a few days late with this. So what? I only made a few resolutions, and they're already changing things for me. I think the most important one was to live in the moment. Sometimes, I get frustrated (like today) because I'm thinking of all the work to be done over the course of the next few days. Living in the moment eliminates that, and lets me just enjoy being a mom, a wife and a homemaker. Even if it is alot of work.

I also resolved to change my attitude. After realizing that the way I say things causes my family to run (or crawl) as far away from me as possible, I've determined that it's time for me to go to the doctor and see about getting help. Whether it comes in the form of counseling, medicine or something else, I need it.

Beth's twins should both be home soon... Lily has been since right after Christmas, and Cara should be in the next few days. Thank God. I know Beth was starting to get a little antsy to have her home.

We're going to try and pay off Kaz this year along with a couple smaller bills. I really hope it happens... that would be one less thing on my mind constantly.

I can't believe Ronnie will be a year old already.... where did the time go? What happened to my little still, quiet, snuggly baby? Now he's all movement, all boy. *sigh*

It's almost Thanksgiving

So, I thought I'd get a head-start on some of the things I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for a husband who is willing to work twice as hard so I can stay home with our son
I'm thankful for a son who thinks that the world revolves around me... even though it really revolves around HIM!
I'm thankful for the roof over my head
I'm thankful for a family that is supportive of all of my decisions, no matter what.
I'm thankful for a God who reminds me that I am loved, even when I feel like the whole world is kicking me.
I'm thankful for all my friends, old, new and everywhere in between.
I'm thankful for a church where I am welcomed regardless of how I look, what I wear, or how often I come.
I'm thankful for my 1-minute prayer books, sometimes they're the only way I can get any Bible reading done!
I'm thankful for my cousins... even though it may not seem like it sometimes.
I'm thankful for the invention of the COFFEE MAKER!
I'm thankful for baby hugs and kisses. Nothin in the whole world like 'em!

Ok, my turn...

Ten essentials I can't get through a day without:
a pacifier,
a cup of tea or coffee,
a few minutes to myself,
at least 2 clean shirts,
2 (or more) clean outfits for Ronnie,
baby tylenol,
one small piece of candy (I don't care what kind)
Something happy to think about,
1 adult conversation,
hand sanitizer!

Nine words I love to hear:
"Hi baby," "Want me to come over?" and "mumumum" (that one counts as 2 because I hear it so often!)

Eight things that define my happy place:
music (either country or christian), baby laughter, painted nails, a clean house, appreciation, flowers, sunshine, love

Seven things I love about my life:
My husband works so I can stay home
Being able to make my son laugh many times a day
Sleeping through the morning,
my relationship with my mom,
my cats who love to snuggle up with me,
having a group of friends who don't think I'm a stupid mom just because I'm a YOUNG mom.
Not expecting myself to be perfect anymore.

Six places I'd like to see before I die:
Germany,
Ireland,
California,
My own house,
Montana,
England

Five things I do every day:
Kiss my husband,
Play with my son,
Sing something,
Read my books,
clean some part of my apartment

Four websites I frequent:
www.comcast.net
www.myspace.com
www.facebook.com
www.cafemom.com

Three prayers I say every day:
"Thank you, God, for bringing Chris back to church"
"Thank you for bringing Chris to the couples retreat"
"Thank you for giving Les a job that he loves that supports his family"

Two decisions I don't regret:
Having Ronnie... he's my joy already, even when he's teething and miserable.
Trying to repair my relationships. Some of them will take longer than others, but everything worth doing is worth doing right, isn't it?

One very important thing about me:
I don't think it's possible for a person to change for someone else. Maybe in little ways, but not in big ones.

A month ago...

I wouldn't have chosen to stay awake just to watch someone else sleep.
I wouldn't have woken up 4 or 5 times in the course of the night just so someone else could eat.
I couldn't have held still in my sleep if you'd PAYED me.
I hadn't dreamed that I could be so in love with someone so tiny
I didn't know that you could blow out of the next size up diaper!!
I didn't even know how to pack a diaper bag.

But then, a month ago I wasn't a mom... I wasn't the only person who could comfort my baby, and I wasn't looking for someone to need me.