and everything I can't remember....

I probably can't remember for a reason! lol. It's been a long time since I posted, and I need to get back into the habit, but when??? I sit here at my keyboard, fighting tears because again the night didn't go the way I wanted it to... but that's the price I pay for having a toddler. Not that I would trade him for anything! Just disappointed because I hardly see my husband at all, and when I do he's on his way out the door, or he's just sitting on the computer. He's been off work for almost 2 months now, and the doctors are STILL no closer to a diagnosis. They've ruled out only 2 things (granted, 2 big things, but still...) cancer and celiac disease. It looks like the rough season I started at 18 isn't anywhere close to being finished. Dear God, please tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so frustrated and sad and tired and I feel so alone in myself. Even though I know I'm not, it doesn't change the way I feel. All the emotion surging through my brain is enough to make me cry.

Yeah, I know...

It's been a while. I'm due for an update. Ronnie is one now.. I can't believe it. Where did the year go? I miss him being all small and sweet and snuggly, but I'm glad he can fend for himself a little bit. He still needs to be able to see me, but at least I can do my Bible study while he's playing with his shape sorters on the floor. Christopher and I are getting along better... we still have our moments, but they're more good than bad now. I'm coming up on 21 later this month, and I don't feel at all like I thought I would. I remember thinking that 21 would be this big deal, I'd be single, going out with my girlfriends, partying all night.... NOPE! At 21, I'm married with a 1 year old. And toddlers don't understand "Mommy's hung over... go play quietly somewhere else." But I will be going down to the bar for a birthday shot, beer, something. Not a Long Island, though. I want to be coherent in the morning. Maybe a martini next month with Sarah when she comes back in town. Still waiting to hear from Jenn about her first doctors appt. I hope everything's ok. She'll be done with her first trimester in a few weeks.

We went out to the farm today... Grandpa is starting to remind me alot of Papa. I never thought I'd say that, but he is. He just seems so.... frail, so small. I remember thinking that Grandpa was the tallest, strongest person I knew, and now he's not anymore. Grandma was her usual self, I thought. Less snappish, maybe, but pretty much the same Grandma. I think she's having a hard time with the move. I don't think she's quite ready to give up the farm... and neither is Grandpa. They seem comfortable in their new house, but still out of place somehow.. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I've always associated them with the farm, with a big house. I don't know. It's to late for my brain to be working this hard. I'm going to bed. I'll try to post more pix of Ronnie in the next week or so.

New Years....

Ok, so I'm a few days late with this. So what? I only made a few resolutions, and they're already changing things for me. I think the most important one was to live in the moment. Sometimes, I get frustrated (like today) because I'm thinking of all the work to be done over the course of the next few days. Living in the moment eliminates that, and lets me just enjoy being a mom, a wife and a homemaker. Even if it is alot of work.

I also resolved to change my attitude. After realizing that the way I say things causes my family to run (or crawl) as far away from me as possible, I've determined that it's time for me to go to the doctor and see about getting help. Whether it comes in the form of counseling, medicine or something else, I need it.

Beth's twins should both be home soon... Lily has been since right after Christmas, and Cara should be in the next few days. Thank God. I know Beth was starting to get a little antsy to have her home.

We're going to try and pay off Kaz this year along with a couple smaller bills. I really hope it happens... that would be one less thing on my mind constantly.

I can't believe Ronnie will be a year old already.... where did the time go? What happened to my little still, quiet, snuggly baby? Now he's all movement, all boy. *sigh*

It's almost Thanksgiving

So, I thought I'd get a head-start on some of the things I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for a husband who is willing to work twice as hard so I can stay home with our son
I'm thankful for a son who thinks that the world revolves around me... even though it really revolves around HIM!
I'm thankful for the roof over my head
I'm thankful for a family that is supportive of all of my decisions, no matter what.
I'm thankful for a God who reminds me that I am loved, even when I feel like the whole world is kicking me.
I'm thankful for all my friends, old, new and everywhere in between.
I'm thankful for a church where I am welcomed regardless of how I look, what I wear, or how often I come.
I'm thankful for my 1-minute prayer books, sometimes they're the only way I can get any Bible reading done!
I'm thankful for my cousins... even though it may not seem like it sometimes.
I'm thankful for the invention of the COFFEE MAKER!
I'm thankful for baby hugs and kisses. Nothin in the whole world like 'em!

Ok, my turn...

Ten essentials I can't get through a day without:
a pacifier,
a cup of tea or coffee,
a few minutes to myself,
at least 2 clean shirts,
2 (or more) clean outfits for Ronnie,
baby tylenol,
one small piece of candy (I don't care what kind)
Something happy to think about,
1 adult conversation,
hand sanitizer!

Nine words I love to hear:
"Hi baby," "Want me to come over?" and "mumumum" (that one counts as 2 because I hear it so often!)

Eight things that define my happy place:
music (either country or christian), baby laughter, painted nails, a clean house, appreciation, flowers, sunshine, love

Seven things I love about my life:
My husband works so I can stay home
Being able to make my son laugh many times a day
Sleeping through the morning,
my relationship with my mom,
my cats who love to snuggle up with me,
having a group of friends who don't think I'm a stupid mom just because I'm a YOUNG mom.
Not expecting myself to be perfect anymore.

Six places I'd like to see before I die:
Germany,
Ireland,
California,
My own house,
Montana,
England

Five things I do every day:
Kiss my husband,
Play with my son,
Sing something,
Read my books,
clean some part of my apartment

Four websites I frequent:
www.comcast.net
www.myspace.com
www.facebook.com
www.cafemom.com

Three prayers I say every day:
"Thank you, God, for bringing Chris back to church"
"Thank you for bringing Chris to the couples retreat"
"Thank you for giving Les a job that he loves that supports his family"

Two decisions I don't regret:
Having Ronnie... he's my joy already, even when he's teething and miserable.
Trying to repair my relationships. Some of them will take longer than others, but everything worth doing is worth doing right, isn't it?

One very important thing about me:
I don't think it's possible for a person to change for someone else. Maybe in little ways, but not in big ones.

A month ago...

I wouldn't have chosen to stay awake just to watch someone else sleep.
I wouldn't have woken up 4 or 5 times in the course of the night just so someone else could eat.
I couldn't have held still in my sleep if you'd PAYED me.
I hadn't dreamed that I could be so in love with someone so tiny
I didn't know that you could blow out of the next size up diaper!!
I didn't even know how to pack a diaper bag.

But then, a month ago I wasn't a mom... I wasn't the only person who could comfort my baby, and I wasn't looking for someone to need me.

I'm a Mommy!!!

So, Ronald Nathaniel is here, and I'm constantly amazed by how often he eats and needs to be changed. He's so small; how can he possibly have that much in his stomach??!? I told Chris that I'd TRY to call him Ronnie for the rest of the month, but if I can't make it fit, then he's Nathaniel. He's really picking up on nursing, and he's got a Jaws-of-Death grip!

Oh well... at least he's healthy!

32 weeks

So, I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant, with only 8 weeks to go (hopefully). The baby is now 4 pounds, almost 18 inches, has blue eyes and is VERY sensitive to temperature. A cold hand on my back is NOT appreciated anymore!! Other than that, not much to update. The house is about 50% clean, and I'm working on getting some of the other stuff knocked out before we leave today. Josh's company party is today, and he invited Chris as his 1 guest. Tomorrow, I work, and Chris wants to leave for another party right after I get off... he wants me to try and get off early, which I told him wasn't about to happen.

It's not like the party will disappear if we don't show up right when it starts!! Besides which, I probably won't even know anyone there, they'll all be drinking, and I'm just going to sit there looking around and feeling stupid. *sigh* That's enough of my bitter, self-centeredness for today. Time to put on a happy face and go clean the house. Not like I really want to do that either.... I just want to find a comfortable position and STAY IN IT!

30 weeks...

seems like such a long time, but it really isn't. I'm now 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and starting to experience all kinds of new things. Let's just start with the contractions: I didn't expect them to stop me in my tracks, or start when I was laughing!!

Leg cramps are NO fun, but I can deal with them. What I can't deal with is my legs suddenly giving out underneath me, and having to grab at something to keep from falling right on my belly! Yes, that happened at work one day.... thank God I managed to catch myself, if I didn't catch the coffee pot.

We figured out where all the baby's bits and pieces were last night... Jen could very clearly feel his head, back, butt and legs! It was the strangest thing to pat around his head, because I was suddenly afraid of poking him in the eye! I know, it's pretty much impossible, but still... I was paranoid.

The Christmas (party) season has begun... we've got 4 to go to in the next 2 weeks! 1 of them is my work party, and 1 I'm basically getting dragged to so that Chris and Josh can get completely hammered and still make it home in one piece. Do they really think I WANT to be smelling alcohol all night when I can't even have a sip??!?? Chris and I will be talking about this in the near future, and I'll probably just get so frustrated with him that I just give in... like always.

*sigh* men... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Ok, I'll take my own hint...

and update again. I am currently 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and can't WAIT to meet the little person that's been keeping me up so many nights. I've finished making Christmas cards, and we're sending them out on Thursday. Dad and I are finally seeing Hairspray (been trying to do that for close to a month now), and I'm going to try AGAIN to schedule something with Jos. Even if it's just a GH marathon between the two of us... still it's something.

Meliss and Michelle are coming in soon!!!!!! I'm doing my snoopy dance already!! YAY!!!

I've been taking bets all day today on how early/late Ronnie will get here, and so far the earliest I've heard is Feb 1, and the latest I've heard is end of Feb. He's due on the 14th, but I know babies rarely actually come out on their due dates. Still crossing my fingers on that c-section thing, but now that I know I don't have GD, that's a weight off my shoulders. No diet adjustments, no extra concerns (as if I don't have enough!!) and no additional u/s.

The landlord is still trying to sell the whole block, which will be a little scary if he decides not to renew our lease at the end of this month. I'm starting to look for a new place around here... has to be at least 2 bed, within a 10 mile radius. The landlord's asking $950K when the entire block appraised for less than $400K. So, as if being pregnant wasn't enough, now I have to worry about MOVING while hugely pregnant.

Yes, I am huge. I'm turning sideways for everything from dishes to working the register, and still having pillow fights. I got smart and started using my body pillow, which Chris HATES, since it's one more thing between him and me when he's trying to snuggle. I've gotten a little bit clingy with him lately, and I don't know why... it's not like I'm afraid of him leaving or anything. I know he'd never do that to me, not after the discussions we had a few months ago. I just... like having him around in case anything happens, I guess. That and he gives a KILLER backrub. Very appreciated nowadays.

hrm...

So, it's been about 10 days, and I figured time for an update. Saw the doctor on Dad's birthday, and the baby's doing fine. I was 28 weeks, and he measured 29 cm... just a little bigger than normal. Right now I'm just hoping he's not so big I HAVE to have a c-section. That would be miserable... to be trapped up here for 3 weeks.... I'd pull all my hair out!

He's just now getting to the point that you can feel him from outside. Chris felt him roll over for the first time the other night, and after I fell asleep, they stayed up and played "tag" for close to an hour! The pillow fights have begun, and I think we'll either be buying some new, non-flat ones soon, or I'll be out on the couch until Feb. I'll get a couple pillows arranged behind my back and under my belly, and then Chris will steal one from my back, forcing me to start all over again. It's getting old REALLY fast.

It's wierd how I keep running into girls about my age who are also pregnant... first the one girl at Rick's (I still don't know her name, but next time I'll ask her) and now Vanessa Zambrano from St. Johns! I haven't seen her in 5 years, if not longer, and she's about 9 weeks right now. I think it's God's way of telling me that I'm not alone... I was praying for some people I could relate to, and here they are!

Thanksgiving was really nice, I thought. Dawn and Dana pretty much ignored us, but then, that's typical for them. Patrick couldn't get enough of my belly, but I'm glad he got to see it before it disappears (HA!). The bellyrubs have begun, but so far they're all from family and don't bother me. What would really freak me out is if some stranger thought they had the right to rub my belly just because it's there. Spencers has a new maternity section with sayings such as, "Touch the belly, lose a hand" and "I'm fat because I'm pregnant.... what's your excuse?" Unfortunately, they don't make them in my size, so I don't get to be sarcastic.

I'm starting to look forward to Christmas... I guess Chris is off for Orthodox Christmas (Jan 7) so we might be going to church after all. I told him that it really depends on my work schedule. If I'm working the day after, I'm not going. I can't be up all night, sleep for 2 hours, and still be functional the next day.... I just don't work that way.

It's funny how people don't listen, even when they specifically ask you something. Dad asked me when we went out for "drinks" what I need from him now, as my dad. I told him the one thing I need now is to know that he doesn't want the family to fall apart... I need to know that the family matters to him. He said then that it does, but he's not putting his money where his mouth is. I just don't get how he can NOT see what a difference it makes when he actually does his work. It befuddles me, it really does.

I realized that it's not Grandpa I have a problem with, it's Grandma, so we're sticking with Philip as a middle name. I also found a daily Bible study that I've been keeping up with for 3 days now. I know it's going to get harder after the baby's born, but that's why I'm making it a habit NOW.
Speaking of habits... I was thinking about it today, and I haven't smoked at all in the past 6 months, haven't done any drugs since April, and haven't had a drink since before that! I know, I never should've done any of that in the first place, but I'm celebrating my victory anyway.

Now that I know how hard it is to quit smoking, I have alot more respect for AT. Before, I used to wonder why she couldn't just quit already. It's not that easy. I quit pretty much cold turkey as soon as I found out about the baby, and it was really hard for the first couple weeks. I would be walking to work, NOT smoking my first cigarette of the day, and boy-oh-boy did I want one! It helped to know that I didn't have any left, and for a while I had to leave my bank card and my cash at home so I wouldn't buy any more. Now, though, I can go for a couple weeks without even wanting a cigarette. So, I give AT huge props for making a real effort!!

Ugh... there goes my "break". Time to go finish cleaning the house... or at least some of it.

Haywire...

Emotions are going haywire again, and I hate them. I cried for a good 5 minutes about nothing, and decided to get up and write instead of laying there crying some more. I don't understand how anyone could consider this the "best time" of their life.... I really don't. They must all have really crappy lives, then is the only thing I can think whenever I hear that. "Oh, I loved my pregnancy so much... it was so wonderful!" Compared to what?? I personally hate it. I can't stand the fact that any little thing makes me cry, I hate the fact that no food appeals to me and I don't like the fact that my stomach is starting to get in my way!! But enough about me.... the world doesn't revolve around me.

I was reading the paper this morning, and was reminded of that couple who had four kids... a baby, an 18 month old, I think a 3 year old and a 5 yo.... and the kids were found in piles of their own crap, basically. I just can't understand how ANYone could subject another person to living like that... especially a baby!! And then the dad tried to say that his job was SOOOO stressful that he HAD to do drugs, and he'd been punished enough by having his face plastered all over tvs and newspapers. WHAT??!? I hope that mom gets her kids back. I think she's really, truely sorry for what she did, and I don't think she'll let anything like that happen again.

They're still looking for that Stacy Peterson girl... the 23 yo. Bolingbrook cop's wife...There haven't been any new developments, no leads, no nothing. I personally think he did it. Just like Lisa Stebic, who's been gone for I think about 6 months now. They call in all these psychics who say "Oh, she's under a tree, and there's lots of water and..." I don't believe any of it. I don't think they can really "see" her, or "feel" her anymore than the rest of us can. Here's hoping that something turns up soon!

On top of all that, there's a story in there about the village, and how they don't post their board meeting minutes on the website... ya think?? We've been trying to get to a village meeting for 2 months, and I'm at least going to this one. Something needs to be done about the parking situation here. Either Watson's needs to build a parking lot out back, or the landlord needs to do something. He's got a 3 car lot on the corner for 9 units... by no stretch of the imagination is that enough! Not only that, but I'm not walking all the way around the corner just to unload groceries or laundry!! I asked a couple of the cops what would hypothetically happen if I personally put signs up saing "tenant parking only", and they said that since it hadn't been done by the village, they couldn't enforce it. So, it's looking like we're screwed either way on this one. *sigh* I hate podunk towns. I really do.

the so-called "joys" of pregnancy

Been up since 4:30 this morning, can't get comfortable no matter what I do, can't fall asleep and I'm EXHAUSTED! No tylenol PM to be had for love or money in this stupid town after 9 pm... current time is 11:14 pm. I've been trying to fall asleep since about 8... 3 hours of miserable nothingness.

I'm losing my mind slowly, and I'm not going to get it back anytime soon. Not to mention that I still feel like crap. Don't know what it was/is, but I've been drinking alot more fluid which isn't really doing anything either way. Bland food isn't really making a difference either. I'm about ready to give up. Everyone says "oh, enjoy it while you can!" IT'S NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE!!! going on 21 hours with no sleep, little food (everything makes me feel sick) and 2 bottles of gatorade. Yeah... not doing this again anytime soon.

Ugh...

Dontcha just hate days where you wake up in the morning and know it's not going to be a good day? It makes me want to go back to bed and not come out until like... 530 tonight. Wake up feeling sick, STILL feeling a little sick 2 hours later, and just hoping it's nothing serious. Probably just something I ate a couple days ago... if it's not better by tonight, I'm going to the doc.

But I'm glad Dad finally clicked it. We were praying for you guys the other night, and I remember saying, "God, they promised each other forever, and 22 years isn't forever!" I felt like a 3 year old... "but you PROMISED!!" Remember that "letter from God" prayer thing you told me about a few years ago? I haven't done that for a while, but I did it the other night, and one of the things God showed me is that I've been shutting Him out alot lately... just like Dad. And that I need to take the first step, regardless of how scary it is. How does it go... Faith is stepping off the edge of everything you've ever known, into the darkness, knowing that there will be a ledge to stand on or you will be taught to fly? I need to do that... step out in faith, and let God catch me. I've realized that these past couple nights as Chris and I make a point of praying together.

He surprised me, and made me ashamed of myself the other day. He asked me how come I never pray anymore, why don't I read my Bible or anything anymore? He said, "That was one of the first things I liked about you, that you prayed out loud. You don't do that anymore." ZING... score one for God, through Chris. So then of course, what do I do? Stay up until 2 am reading my Bible, going over some old studies. I need to find a new one... and not a once a week one either, b/c I'll forget or procrastinate, or just not do it. Off to look for one right now!

Oy....

I'm tired. I know, it's part of being a mom/wife/good friend, but still... I'm tired. After going to the hospital around noon or 1 yesterday (hadn't eaten since 8am), they told me I couldn't eat!!! How are you going to tell a pregnant woman she can't eat??!??!?? So, I've been making up for lost time today, but it's all healthy stuff. A pear, a salad, a slice of coffee cake, and I"m about to go get my marshmallow fix. I said it's been, not it all will be!!!

Still working on the blanket, and dealing with Lil Man's schedule. He likes to try and keep me up at night, but lately I've been so tired that it just doesn't matter. I've just been watching the bump get bigger, and finding things to laugh at in life. He can hear me laughing, singing, talking to him. He may not be able to make out words yet, but he knows my voice. How cool is that?! It was fun listening to him kick at the monitor yesterday, like he wanted it off or something.

The next few hours are going to be very low key, since I'm supposed to work tomorrow. Already looking forward to thursday!!! Chinese - yum!

"Right? Of course right." Yente from Fiddler on the Roof

The bump is getting bigger!! I almost lost my balance just walking down the street yesterday... how wierd is that? I go to look down and all I see is belly, I can't sit certain ways anymore, I can't just bolt up from bed like I used to. It's kinda strange, not being able to do those things, or go 2 hours without running for the nearest bathroom, but at the same time, I know it's a good thing. It means the baby's growing, it means nature is taking it's course. It means a million different things.

I feel like a cow, but a pretty cow, because I take the time to make sure I look nice before I leave the house. That has made ALOT of difference in the past few days. I went to work happier than they've seen me in a long time, was cheerful all day, and came home only slightly beat.

I'm keeping my mind on happy things like my small family, the blanket I'm making for the baby (measures 3 ft. across and 1 ft. up right now), and feeling him kick and turn summersaults. It's so funny to just suddenly feel my stomach go "blurp" and feel his little foot. It's so tiny!!! He's only about a foot long right now and weighs about a pound... he's an "ittle tiny baby" as Chris puts it. *sigh* I have come to the conclusion that life is good...not perfect, not always ideal, but good. And most of what isn't perfect, ideal or good is something that I have no control over, so it does me no good to fuss over it. Right?

Last night...

went alot better than I expected. We talked about the baby, about how serious Dad is about any of his healing stuff. He asked me what I need from him as a dad now, and I told him that really the only thing I need from him is proof that he doesn't want the family to fall apart. The only thing I need from him is for him to step up and do more than just what needs to be done. We talked about some steps he should take... don't know if/when he will, but when I mentioned them he was like, "oh, yeah... I really should do that!" We talked about the next step of his healing, working on his character flaws, and I hope this new counselor really helps him with that. I wouldn't say I saw a different Dad than I saw 2 years ago, but I saw potential, which encouraged me. I saw that he wants to make an effort, but maybe sometimes he doesn't know how? We talked about that alot, actually... what to do when you're not quite sure what the next step is. We talked about going out to Princeton on Friday, and getting that ticket taken care of and the title transfered so that the car is really Michelle's and I have no further attatchment to it, and me opening a savings account in my name only so that there's money set aside in case anything happens. It may not be much at first, but a few dollars a week will start to add up! We'll see what happens with that. It was really nice, even through all the hard parts. I'm glad we made it work, and hopefully we can keep the connection up again.

Poem

I wrote a poem on my myspace that kinda tells the story of the last couple years for me... Some things you probably didn't know in there.. some you might've guessed. It really crushes me (for lack of a better word) that things are the way they are. So many times I've cried for you guys... so many times I've wanted to shake some sense into Dad... so many times I've wanted you to just walk away. But you won't. That's not who you are, it never has been and it never will be. You keep trying and praying thinking that "this time it'll be different." I hope for your sake that it is. I hope this is the "magic bill" that gets Dad to the point of being able to fix himself and your guys's marriage. Like I said before, it's not my fault, but it still hurts like hell to know that he's breaking your heart day after day. To know that he makes you cry so much... to know that you can't stand to be around him....to know that NOTHING has changed in the past 2.5 years. It hurts to know that there's nothing I can do. I know you'd tell me if there was.

So, I know it's not my fault

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like all hell. My heart is in pieces right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together. My family appears to be ripping at the seams... the one thing I've believed my entire life is starting to look like a lie, and I don't know how to deal with that. Like UJ said, "It's a two part equation, and I'm just one part of it." Yes, I'm glad the baby is healthy, but if it would make my FAMILY healthy, I'd give him up in a heartbeat. Ok, no I wouldn't. After feeling him kick so strongly last night, and knowing that he can HEAR me and will soon recognize my voice, I couldn't give him up! He's my pride and joy already, and sometimes my only company. But still, it's so hard to tell what Dad is feeling... last weekend I didn't even know if he was glad to see me until almost the end. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what to talk to him about except work and you guys, and after a while, even THAT gets uncomfortable. I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't. I wish I could put a bandaid on it and call it "all better" but a bandaid won't heal a gunshot wound. I wish, I wish, I wish.... none of it's going to happen. We've been praying, and you've been trying for 2.5 years. Do you really think that paying off the "almighty bill" is going to solve anything? He'll just move on to the next bill, and the next one, and the next one, and on and on it goes. Remember that day in the kitchen when I was making breakfast but dropped it because you needed a hug and you started crying? You said "We're right back to where we were when you were 2." Dad hasn't changed in 17 years!!! If he hasn't changed in 17 years, why would he change now? What's different NOW? As much as I don't want it, I almost wish you guys would split up. At least that way he can't make you cry anymore. at least then he won't be breaking your heart every day.