going through the motions

*sigh* do you ever get tired of just going through the motions of life? I sure do. Lately, it feels like that's all I've been doing. Fighting with Chris, going to work, coming home to fight some more. I'm so sick of it! We haven't spent any kind of real time together lately, unless you count the first and last five minutes of someone's day as "time together". Tonight we watched School for Scoundrels, and not even 5 minutes after the movie was over, he was out cold. Why am I doing this to myself? What am I hoping to get out of it? Honestly, I don't even know if we're going to get married in August. Here it is June 7, we haven't done any of the planning, don't have invites, don't have ANYTHING. I don't think it's going to happen. I really don't. I was reading my book today, and one chapter was on standing by your family. Family can mean alot of different things... it can be your family of origin, it can be friends. What family boils down to is people you can celebrate life with, the little things as well as the big. Something that may seem small and trivial to most of you, but it's a big thing to me: it's been a week since my last drive off. I'm getting better at my job. I'm getting worse at knowing myself. Who am I, anyway? I feel so numb lately, and I don't know why. Ok, I do know why, but I don't want to admit it.