Appreciate your friends

"it is with gratitude that i get to walk with you toward your vision of excellence, compassionate service and informed hope." Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life.

"Be the peace you wish to see in the world." Mohandas K. Ghandi

"What if it's true that...the main purpose of my life is that my mistakes should serve as a warning to others?" Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life

I don't know if I'd like that, but I guess... as long as my life serves a purpose. I hope that's not all it is, though. I hope I have a more important purpose. On the other hand, as long as I can help someone, I'll feel a little bit important.

"If I am dissatisfied with the where of where I stand and the what of what I do, I can either:
a) change the dreams I'm dreaming or
b) love the life I'm living, and live it knowing it is everything I need." Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life

What dreams am I dreaming? I'm dreaming about a career, school, and my own family someday. I'm not willing to change those dreams for anyone. So, then I love the life I'm living and live it knowing it is everything I need.

Something my mom always told me: Don't be afraid to ask for what I need, and give whatever help I can. I usually try to, but there comes a point when you need to help yourself. Why do I not ask for help? Because I've been shot down alot, and I've just kinda learned to do whatever needs to be done, rather than count on someone else doing it.

Fail with enthusiasm???

Intentional change is the most ferocious response to fear exerpted from "Lean Forward into your life" by Maryanne Radmacher... So, what am I afraid of, and how am I changing?

Why don't I ask for what I want? What unacceptable circumstances do I tolerate, and why? What do I need to let go of? What inappropriate burdens? What thoughts that weigh heavy on my spirit?


I am afraid of... silence, solitude

I am changing... by... not even knowing myself anymore, not having any real friends.

I don't ask for what I want because... I've been shot down so many times that I've just given up.

I accept... being woken up at 5:30 in the morning, regardless of when I went to bed
because.... I feel guilty if I don't.

I need to let go of... responsibility for other people. They can take care of themselves. I need to do the same.

Weighing heavy on me right now is... my future, my dead-end job, my lack of self-esteem.

Another version of my ABC's

THE LETTER A
Are you available?: not between the hours of 11-5 most days.
Age?: 19..
Annoyances: insensitive people, waking up to ignornant notes, not getting my wind-down time after work.

THE LETTER B
Do you live in a big house?: No, but I want to some day.
When is your birthday?: March 24, 1988.
Who is your best friend?: My mom.

THE LETTER C
What's your favorite candy?: gigantic jawbreakers... they last FOREVER!
Who's your crush?: I honestly can't say that I have one.
When was the last time you cried?: the other night... cried myself to sleep.
Cell phone minutes used : couldn't say off the top of my head.

THE LETTER D
Do you daydream?: all the time
What's your favorite kind of dog?: I've got 2: my Schnitzel or Yorkies.
What day of the week is it?: Thursday... 2 more days of work, and then I get a break.... hopefully.

THE LETTER E
How do you like your eggs?: Over medium.
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: more times than I care to count... broken arm, a couple times with Chris for different reasons... probably more I don't remember.
Easiest thing ever to do?: Hold a conversation? I dunno!!

THE LETTER F
Have you ever flown in a plane?: Yep. And I'd do it again if I had the chance.
Use fly swatters?: When I can find 'em!!

THE LETTER G
Do you chew gum?: almost constantly
Are you a giver or a taker?: That kinda depends on the day.
Do you like gummy candies?: Some... I'm more a fan of PEEPS.

THE LETTER H
How are you?: tired, crabby because I've been off work for 6 hours and STILL haven't gotten my down time.
What color is your hair?: Dark brown... but I want to dye it again.

THE LETTER I
What's your favorite ice cream?: I've got a couple: choc. chip cookie dough, mint choc. chip.
Have you ever ice skated?: Yes, it's not to bad... I'd go again if I could.

THE LETTER J
What's your favorite jelly?: Strawberry
Do you wear jewelry?: YES. I love jewelry. Especially the kind that makes me look sophistamacated. :-P

THE LETTER K
Who do you want to kill?: That's for me to know and you to find out!
Do you want kids?: Someday...

THE LETTER L
Are you laid back?: I can be..
Do you lie?: Sometimes, but I try not to.

THE LETTER M
What's your favorite movie?: Ummm... dunno. Crank was pretty good, tho.
Do you like mangoes?: Don't remember ever having one!

THE LETTER N
Do you have a nickname?: Yes, many. One of them is "Caser"... given by one of the cops here in town.
Whats your favorite number?: mmm... I'd have to say 3 just because.
Do you prefer night over day?: No.. I like being able to see outside.

THE LETTER O
What's your one wish?: Does world peace count?
Are you an only child?: Nope. 1 younger brother that I don't spend enough time with.

THE LETTER P
What one fear are you most paranoid about?: My future. Right now it's looking pretty bleak.
What personality trait do you look for in people?: respectful, funny, curteous.

THE LETTER Q
What's your favorite quote?: "Had I known but yesterday what I know today/I'd have taken out your two grey eyes and put in eyes of clay./And had I known but yesterday you'd be no more my own/I'd have taken out your heart of flesh and put in one of stone" Tam Lin

THE LETTER R
Do you think you're always right?: No, and I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong.

THE LETTER S
Do you prefer sun or rain?: Sun.

THE LETTER T
What time is it?: 11:21 pm.
What time did you wake up?: The first time? 4:00 am, the second time, 8 something, the third time, 10:45 am.
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: a few years ago... me and Jos and Michelle camped out in the back yard... the tent was a LEETLE to small, tho.

THE LETTER U
Are you wearing underwear?: yep

THE LETTER V
What's the worst veggie: Mushrooms, onions, water chestnuts.
Where do you want to go on vacation?: Europe, an aimless wandering trip, Cali, Mexico

THE LETTER W
What's your worst habit?: probably biting my nails..
Where do you live?: Elwood (aka Tha Wood) IL
What's your worst fear?: solitude and darkness.

THE LETTER X
Have you ever had an x-ray?: yup... arm, head... can't remember any others.
Have you seen the x-games?: no, but I know what they are, unlike SOME people!! (love ya, Mom!)
Do you own a xylophone?: No

THE LETTER Y
Do you like the color yellow?: Yes.
What's one thing you yearn for?: Peace in my soul.

THE LETTER Z
What's your zodiac sign?: Aries.
Do you believe in the zodiac?: Nah.. but it's fun to read my horoscope sometimes.
Favorite zoo animal?: The red butted monkeys!! ROFL!!

thoughts

So, I was thinking the other day about how much I try to drown out my own thoughts. Instead of sitting with them, letting them come to the surface, I'll turn on the tv or some music or pick up a book. My mom posted somethin on her site that made me think about all the good stuff we did together: museum trips, laughing, just chillin, zoo trips (can't say I'd be to interested in those anymore), talking about some really shallow and some really deep stuff... the list goes on and on and on. Then I started thinking about what of that stuff I do anymore, and it was kinda depressing. Chris and I finally went out last night just the two of us for the first time in over a year. While it was nice to spend time with him, I wonder if he took the hint. I mean... when we don't go out unless it's a big group of us, I start to feel like my company's not enough for him anymore. I start to wonder if he even really cares or if he's just pretending to. I wish I could believe that he really cares... but I'm not sure. I'm afraid of alot of things... including being an outcast or being alone. I know we need counseling, but Chris won't go, which means that I'm going to have to get healthy by myself. So... that's what I'm going to do. Get healthy, hope it helps, and pray for wisdom and strength. I'm going to stop blowing people off. I'm going to start being a woman of my word. That's how my mom raised me, and honestly, I'm ashamed of the person I've become. As mom says, "If you're man enough to do it, be man enough to own up to it." so... I am. I know I've hurt alot of people, and I know some of them may never forgive me, but I'm trying to rebuild some of the relationships I've lost. I'm taking baby steps toward being myself... my REAL self.

exercising

Well, I'm on my way to getting in better shape. Two sessions at Curves, and I love it. I love how it makes me feel when I come home. I might be a little bit tired, but I've got GOBS more energy than when I left. *sighs* Things are GOOD. Chris is making an effort to do some of the things we've talked about, I'm working out and starting to feel good about myself again, and I'm getting back into my 'healthy reading'. I'm calling the clinic today to see about making an appointment. I need to get back on my medicine, and if this is what I have to do to get it, then this is what I'm doing. That and I'm not doing anything unhealthy anymore; no smoking, no drinking, no nothing. I'm getting back to myself. Now all I have to do is get my sleep schedule back on track. GO ME! I am woman, hear me roar! GRRRR!

So, I get home from work the other day after smiling for 6 hours straight and dealing with all kinds of stuff/people that weren't exactly pleasant. All I want to do is sit down, eat something for the first time all day, and relax for a little bit. As soon as I walk in the door, Christopher says, "What time did you want to go do that laundry?" I swear, I pulled an Exorcist move on him... spinning head and all. I went ballistic because we've talked about this before... ALOT!!

His response? "Well, I didn't want it to get to late." I almost cried. Then, we're up until about midnight last night, he still wakes me up at 5:30 to make him a lunch. How difficult can it be to slap some mayo on some bread, split the remaining turkey in half, put half on each slice of bread, smash 'em together and put it all in a bag? NOT VERY. I did it half asleep today. But then again, he was up long after I fell asleep. Oh, and we got a new keyboard. YAY!!!! Shift buttons work and everything!!! Thanks, Bre!

Aye Carumba... my eyes hurt. I'm going to do the dishes and get back to bed... I'm exhausted.

reading

ok, so i'm reading this book called 'lean forward into your life' and in it i read today that i have a unique purpose... a unique intention that only i can bring to whatever i attempt. and i figured out why i write so much... because i'm trying to sort things out, and because i want to learn things that are deeply hidden inside me. i also learned that i am responsible for the history i'm creating... i can choose how to remember things. i'm the only one who can influence my actions and attitudes. i don't need to identify myself by my shortcomings or the things i can't do.

I also came up with a new way to identify the hurts in my heart... they're not scars, they're stories. each hurting part of me really does have a story behind it. i never thought of it that way. hmm. things to ponder.

today

i had an interview at the racetrack for another possible job today. the lady i met with made it seem like i've got the job at least a few days a week. Chris has been sleeping all day, he told me he made plans for us this saturday... all he'll tell me is to dress casually. makes me curious. other than that, things are ok. i went shopping with my mom on sunday, which made me happy. i got some new shirts, some jewelry, flip flops, some flowers and heel pads for my 'work shoes'. i like working at bp... the people are nice, and it's not anything i can't handle. other than that, not much going on. i'm going over to mom's again this sunday for service and breakfast, probably. so... we've postponed the wedding for personal reasons, and chris is still pretty upset about that. leave me some love