thoughts

So, I was thinking the other day about how much I try to drown out my own thoughts. Instead of sitting with them, letting them come to the surface, I'll turn on the tv or some music or pick up a book. My mom posted somethin on her site that made me think about all the good stuff we did together: museum trips, laughing, just chillin, zoo trips (can't say I'd be to interested in those anymore), talking about some really shallow and some really deep stuff... the list goes on and on and on. Then I started thinking about what of that stuff I do anymore, and it was kinda depressing. Chris and I finally went out last night just the two of us for the first time in over a year. While it was nice to spend time with him, I wonder if he took the hint. I mean... when we don't go out unless it's a big group of us, I start to feel like my company's not enough for him anymore. I start to wonder if he even really cares or if he's just pretending to. I wish I could believe that he really cares... but I'm not sure. I'm afraid of alot of things... including being an outcast or being alone. I know we need counseling, but Chris won't go, which means that I'm going to have to get healthy by myself. So... that's what I'm going to do. Get healthy, hope it helps, and pray for wisdom and strength. I'm going to stop blowing people off. I'm going to start being a woman of my word. That's how my mom raised me, and honestly, I'm ashamed of the person I've become. As mom says, "If you're man enough to do it, be man enough to own up to it." so... I am. I know I've hurt alot of people, and I know some of them may never forgive me, but I'm trying to rebuild some of the relationships I've lost. I'm taking baby steps toward being myself... my REAL self.