"Right? Of course right." Yente from Fiddler on the Roof

The bump is getting bigger!! I almost lost my balance just walking down the street yesterday... how wierd is that? I go to look down and all I see is belly, I can't sit certain ways anymore, I can't just bolt up from bed like I used to. It's kinda strange, not being able to do those things, or go 2 hours without running for the nearest bathroom, but at the same time, I know it's a good thing. It means the baby's growing, it means nature is taking it's course. It means a million different things.

I feel like a cow, but a pretty cow, because I take the time to make sure I look nice before I leave the house. That has made ALOT of difference in the past few days. I went to work happier than they've seen me in a long time, was cheerful all day, and came home only slightly beat.

I'm keeping my mind on happy things like my small family, the blanket I'm making for the baby (measures 3 ft. across and 1 ft. up right now), and feeling him kick and turn summersaults. It's so funny to just suddenly feel my stomach go "blurp" and feel his little foot. It's so tiny!!! He's only about a foot long right now and weighs about a pound... he's an "ittle tiny baby" as Chris puts it. *sigh* I have come to the conclusion that life is good...not perfect, not always ideal, but good. And most of what isn't perfect, ideal or good is something that I have no control over, so it does me no good to fuss over it. Right?

Last night...

went alot better than I expected. We talked about the baby, about how serious Dad is about any of his healing stuff. He asked me what I need from him as a dad now, and I told him that really the only thing I need from him is proof that he doesn't want the family to fall apart. The only thing I need from him is for him to step up and do more than just what needs to be done. We talked about some steps he should take... don't know if/when he will, but when I mentioned them he was like, "oh, yeah... I really should do that!" We talked about the next step of his healing, working on his character flaws, and I hope this new counselor really helps him with that. I wouldn't say I saw a different Dad than I saw 2 years ago, but I saw potential, which encouraged me. I saw that he wants to make an effort, but maybe sometimes he doesn't know how? We talked about that alot, actually... what to do when you're not quite sure what the next step is. We talked about going out to Princeton on Friday, and getting that ticket taken care of and the title transfered so that the car is really Michelle's and I have no further attatchment to it, and me opening a savings account in my name only so that there's money set aside in case anything happens. It may not be much at first, but a few dollars a week will start to add up! We'll see what happens with that. It was really nice, even through all the hard parts. I'm glad we made it work, and hopefully we can keep the connection up again.

Poem

I wrote a poem on my myspace that kinda tells the story of the last couple years for me... Some things you probably didn't know in there.. some you might've guessed. It really crushes me (for lack of a better word) that things are the way they are. So many times I've cried for you guys... so many times I've wanted to shake some sense into Dad... so many times I've wanted you to just walk away. But you won't. That's not who you are, it never has been and it never will be. You keep trying and praying thinking that "this time it'll be different." I hope for your sake that it is. I hope this is the "magic bill" that gets Dad to the point of being able to fix himself and your guys's marriage. Like I said before, it's not my fault, but it still hurts like hell to know that he's breaking your heart day after day. To know that he makes you cry so much... to know that you can't stand to be around him....to know that NOTHING has changed in the past 2.5 years. It hurts to know that there's nothing I can do. I know you'd tell me if there was.

So, I know it's not my fault

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like all hell. My heart is in pieces right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together. My family appears to be ripping at the seams... the one thing I've believed my entire life is starting to look like a lie, and I don't know how to deal with that. Like UJ said, "It's a two part equation, and I'm just one part of it." Yes, I'm glad the baby is healthy, but if it would make my FAMILY healthy, I'd give him up in a heartbeat. Ok, no I wouldn't. After feeling him kick so strongly last night, and knowing that he can HEAR me and will soon recognize my voice, I couldn't give him up! He's my pride and joy already, and sometimes my only company. But still, it's so hard to tell what Dad is feeling... last weekend I didn't even know if he was glad to see me until almost the end. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what to talk to him about except work and you guys, and after a while, even THAT gets uncomfortable. I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't. I wish I could put a bandaid on it and call it "all better" but a bandaid won't heal a gunshot wound. I wish, I wish, I wish.... none of it's going to happen. We've been praying, and you've been trying for 2.5 years. Do you really think that paying off the "almighty bill" is going to solve anything? He'll just move on to the next bill, and the next one, and the next one, and on and on it goes. Remember that day in the kitchen when I was making breakfast but dropped it because you needed a hug and you started crying? You said "We're right back to where we were when you were 2." Dad hasn't changed in 17 years!!! If he hasn't changed in 17 years, why would he change now? What's different NOW? As much as I don't want it, I almost wish you guys would split up. At least that way he can't make you cry anymore. at least then he won't be breaking your heart every day.

tears on my pillow

So, I found out the other day that my parents might be splitting up.... and then I read a poem my brother wrote yesterday saying something about "the papers have already been signed" and started crying. I don't want my family to fall apart!! I know I contributed to it, but still.... I feel like a little kid with a block tower. You know.. the kid who puts one to many blocks on, and his tower tips over on him, and he starts bawling because now he has to start all over.... that kid. I just don't know how to process this.... I don't know how I'm supposed to make it fit. I mean, loving my dad is like loving a brick wall sometimes; he doesn't show anything. When I told him that I'm pregnant, he just sat there and nodded, which is a pretty typical response for him. Makes me wonder what's going to happen when I go into labor? Is he just going to sit there and nod some more? I mean, this is his first grandchild, and he doesn't really seem to care all that much. I just have this one memory flash right now: I'm about 13, and Dad is holding me as tight as he can. I remember thinking, "he'd never let anything happen to me... he makes me feel so safe." Now I think, "why is he doing this? Does he even WANT to be a family anymore? Does he want to be ALONE?" There are no answers, not yet... but there will be in June. If he ruins Mom's birthday like he ruined mine a couple years ago, I'll have a hard time forgiving him. Isn't it bad enough that he makes her cry? That she sleeps on the couch because she doesn't want to be anywhere near him? That she didn't even want to spend their anniversary together? Isn't all that enough? Does he have to ruin her birthday too? There are times I just want to shake him and hope it knocks the cobwebs loose and lets him think straight again.... if he ever did.

Update!!

Ok, so, for those of you who DON'T know, I'm pregnant. Almost 22 weeks, actually. I've gone to the doctor, seen my baby, heard his heartbeat (yes, it's a boy) and my husband and I have picked out a name for him: Ronald Philip Baran. Ronald in honor of my hubby's stepdad of whom he says, "He made me the man I am today." and Philip in honor of my grandpa, to kinda carry on his legacy of love. I've been spending alot more time with my family because it relaxes me, and because I've just got SOOOO many questions; this being my first pregnancy and all. But, all in all, things are looking up for me. Work is going very nicely, I like all my co-workers and as far as I know, they all like me! So... my eyes are burning since I haven't really slept in close to 2 weeks. I'm gonna go try this "sleep" thing again... see if it works. I'm about to give up on it altogether.