Thursday, October 18, 2007
So, I know it's not my fault
but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like all hell. My heart is in pieces right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together. My family appears to be ripping at the seams... the one thing I've believed my entire life is starting to look like a lie, and I don't know how to deal with that. Like UJ said, "It's a two part equation, and I'm just one part of it." Yes, I'm glad the baby is healthy, but if it would make my FAMILY healthy, I'd give him up in a heartbeat. Ok, no I wouldn't. After feeling him kick so strongly last night, and knowing that he can HEAR me and will soon recognize my voice, I couldn't give him up! He's my pride and joy already, and sometimes my only company. But still, it's so hard to tell what Dad is feeling... last weekend I didn't even know if he was glad to see me until almost the end. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what to talk to him about except work and you guys, and after a while, even THAT gets uncomfortable. I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't. I wish I could put a bandaid on it and call it "all better" but a bandaid won't heal a gunshot wound. I wish, I wish, I wish.... none of it's going to happen. We've been praying, and you've been trying for 2.5 years. Do you really think that paying off the "almighty bill" is going to solve anything? He'll just move on to the next bill, and the next one, and the next one, and on and on it goes. Remember that day in the kitchen when I was making breakfast but dropped it because you needed a hug and you started crying? You said "We're right back to where we were when you were 2." Dad hasn't changed in 17 years!!! If he hasn't changed in 17 years, why would he change now? What's different NOW? As much as I don't want it, I almost wish you guys would split up. At least that way he can't make you cry anymore. at least then he won't be breaking your heart every day.
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I know it hurts. I wish I could make it stop for you. But I can't. That is one of the painful parts of being parent, not being able to protect our most beloved from pain.
ReplyDeleteThe comment about we are back to when you were two was about, not your dad's addiction, but about how you in your little toddler self, tried to comfort me when UJ was in Saudi and I was crying. You crawled up next to me and said "it will be allright Mommy. Uncle Joe will come home". That comment was more a reflection on your long standing compassion for those with hurt hearts than the fact your dad chooses not to work on recovery.
Life is hard, my dear. Sometimes very hard, sometimes lonely and sad and overwhelming.But in all of that, God is good. And faithful. And I will trust Him when I can't trust people. Time will tell whether you are right and it's going to be one resentment after another or not. It is still the right thing to do, and as difficult as it is, I am at peace. I have many things to look forward to each day, not the least of which is chatting with you in one form or another.