and everything I can't remember....

I probably can't remember for a reason! lol. It's been a long time since I posted, and I need to get back into the habit, but when??? I sit here at my keyboard, fighting tears because again the night didn't go the way I wanted it to... but that's the price I pay for having a toddler. Not that I would trade him for anything! Just disappointed because I hardly see my husband at all, and when I do he's on his way out the door, or he's just sitting on the computer. He's been off work for almost 2 months now, and the doctors are STILL no closer to a diagnosis. They've ruled out only 2 things (granted, 2 big things, but still...) cancer and celiac disease. It looks like the rough season I started at 18 isn't anywhere close to being finished. Dear God, please tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so frustrated and sad and tired and I feel so alone in myself. Even though I know I'm not, it doesn't change the way I feel. All the emotion surging through my brain is enough to make me cry.

Yeah, I know...

It's been a while. I'm due for an update. Ronnie is one now.. I can't believe it. Where did the year go? I miss him being all small and sweet and snuggly, but I'm glad he can fend for himself a little bit. He still needs to be able to see me, but at least I can do my Bible study while he's playing with his shape sorters on the floor. Christopher and I are getting along better... we still have our moments, but they're more good than bad now. I'm coming up on 21 later this month, and I don't feel at all like I thought I would. I remember thinking that 21 would be this big deal, I'd be single, going out with my girlfriends, partying all night.... NOPE! At 21, I'm married with a 1 year old. And toddlers don't understand "Mommy's hung over... go play quietly somewhere else." But I will be going down to the bar for a birthday shot, beer, something. Not a Long Island, though. I want to be coherent in the morning. Maybe a martini next month with Sarah when she comes back in town. Still waiting to hear from Jenn about her first doctors appt. I hope everything's ok. She'll be done with her first trimester in a few weeks.

We went out to the farm today... Grandpa is starting to remind me alot of Papa. I never thought I'd say that, but he is. He just seems so.... frail, so small. I remember thinking that Grandpa was the tallest, strongest person I knew, and now he's not anymore. Grandma was her usual self, I thought. Less snappish, maybe, but pretty much the same Grandma. I think she's having a hard time with the move. I don't think she's quite ready to give up the farm... and neither is Grandpa. They seem comfortable in their new house, but still out of place somehow.. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I've always associated them with the farm, with a big house. I don't know. It's to late for my brain to be working this hard. I'm going to bed. I'll try to post more pix of Ronnie in the next week or so.

New Years....

Ok, so I'm a few days late with this. So what? I only made a few resolutions, and they're already changing things for me. I think the most important one was to live in the moment. Sometimes, I get frustrated (like today) because I'm thinking of all the work to be done over the course of the next few days. Living in the moment eliminates that, and lets me just enjoy being a mom, a wife and a homemaker. Even if it is alot of work.

I also resolved to change my attitude. After realizing that the way I say things causes my family to run (or crawl) as far away from me as possible, I've determined that it's time for me to go to the doctor and see about getting help. Whether it comes in the form of counseling, medicine or something else, I need it.

Beth's twins should both be home soon... Lily has been since right after Christmas, and Cara should be in the next few days. Thank God. I know Beth was starting to get a little antsy to have her home.

We're going to try and pay off Kaz this year along with a couple smaller bills. I really hope it happens... that would be one less thing on my mind constantly.

I can't believe Ronnie will be a year old already.... where did the time go? What happened to my little still, quiet, snuggly baby? Now he's all movement, all boy. *sigh*