Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Poem
I wrote a poem on my myspace that kinda tells the story of the last couple years for me... Some things you probably didn't know in there.. some you might've guessed. It really crushes me (for lack of a better word) that things are the way they are. So many times I've cried for you guys... so many times I've wanted to shake some sense into Dad... so many times I've wanted you to just walk away. But you won't. That's not who you are, it never has been and it never will be. You keep trying and praying thinking that "this time it'll be different." I hope for your sake that it is. I hope this is the "magic bill" that gets Dad to the point of being able to fix himself and your guys's marriage. Like I said before, it's not my fault, but it still hurts like hell to know that he's breaking your heart day after day. To know that he makes you cry so much... to know that you can't stand to be around him....to know that NOTHING has changed in the past 2.5 years. It hurts to know that there's nothing I can do. I know you'd tell me if there was.
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Send me that poem. I know there have been lots of times where I believed that "this time will be different". THIS time is different. It's different because it is the last time.It's different because there's a deadline attached and if your dad doesn't meet it, he's gone. It's different because it's not about anger; and it's not that I can't stand to be around him. It's far more detached than that, and once I processed the last round of anger and hurt and disappontment, I'm fine with being with him. But what is different is that I can just as easily NOT be with him. I'm not angry, just at the end of the line. with a coolness of head that tells me if he doesn't "get it", he'll, sadly, be alone. We all need peace in our lives. Don't let this rob your joy. It could be a long 8 months and everyone EVERYONE in our family of 4 (5 if you've told CHris and he's listened) knows what is at stake and what is different this time. So, choose peace, sweetie. You have a choice to let go and see what your dad does here. You have a choice to NOT do the AT thing and get madder at him than I am about this. You have a choice to tell him how you feel and why. But realize that I am done crying about him; it was a rough 10 days and now it's in the past and I'm looking to the future. There's lots of look foward to in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are so upset about all of this. And there is something you can do for this... just keep the relationship building going on your end!! I hope this makes sense...I can't stand the thought of you living in emotional chaos over these next months. You have so much on your plate in your OWN family of 2.5!!