Sunday, October 14, 2007
tears on my pillow
So, I found out the other day that my parents might be splitting up.... and then I read a poem my brother wrote yesterday saying something about "the papers have already been signed" and started crying. I don't want my family to fall apart!! I know I contributed to it, but still.... I feel like a little kid with a block tower. You know.. the kid who puts one to many blocks on, and his tower tips over on him, and he starts bawling because now he has to start all over.... that kid. I just don't know how to process this.... I don't know how I'm supposed to make it fit. I mean, loving my dad is like loving a brick wall sometimes; he doesn't show anything. When I told him that I'm pregnant, he just sat there and nodded, which is a pretty typical response for him. Makes me wonder what's going to happen when I go into labor? Is he just going to sit there and nod some more? I mean, this is his first grandchild, and he doesn't really seem to care all that much. I just have this one memory flash right now: I'm about 13, and Dad is holding me as tight as he can. I remember thinking, "he'd never let anything happen to me... he makes me feel so safe." Now I think, "why is he doing this? Does he even WANT to be a family anymore? Does he want to be ALONE?" There are no answers, not yet... but there will be in June. If he ruins Mom's birthday like he ruined mine a couple years ago, I'll have a hard time forgiving him. Isn't it bad enough that he makes her cry? That she sleeps on the couch because she doesn't want to be anywhere near him? That she didn't even want to spend their anniversary together? Isn't all that enough? Does he have to ruin her birthday too? There are times I just want to shake him and hope it knocks the cobwebs loose and lets him think straight again.... if he ever did.
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YOu were at all, never will be, never have been a reason your dad and I struggle. Please file this under "my mom never lies to me and she won't start now". One of the FEW times your dad has let his guard down and discussed his feelings is/was pertaining to you. So if anything, you and the things you have done, have made it possible somehow for him to get past his addiction stuff and to his heart. For that I am grateful. I'm sorry that things are looking the way they are looking. I can't speak for him, but I don't want our family to split up either. I've done everything I can think of to make it work, but I'm only half of hte puzzle. And no matter what happens, we are STILL a family. Family runs deeper than anything. Things are looking bleak here, true, but the blessings are here as well. You are healthy. They baby is healthy. You are plugging in to old relationships that I know meant alot to you. You and your brother are connecting again. Who knows what else will come. I don't want to disregard your feelings; I am sad too. Tears on my pillow sum it up so well. Tears in my heart...but not for you. Not because of you or anything you or your brother did. That is NOT what this is about Cass. Take THAT to the bank. So forgive yourself, take yourself off the hook (it must hurt being up there!!) and hear me when I say this is about your dad and me and has no bearing on how much we love you and your brother. Time will tell. Love ya
ReplyDeleteOk, that first thing was "you were not at all"...too bad I can't read and type!!
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