Thursday, December 20, 2007

32 weeks

So, I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant, with only 8 weeks to go (hopefully). The baby is now 4 pounds, almost 18 inches, has blue eyes and is VERY sensitive to temperature. A cold hand on my back is NOT appreciated anymore!! Other than that, not much to update. The house is about 50% clean, and I'm working on getting some of the other stuff knocked out before we leave today. Josh's company party is today, and he invited Chris as his 1 guest. Tomorrow, I work, and Chris wants to leave for another party right after I get off... he wants me to try and get off early, which I told him wasn't about to happen.

It's not like the party will disappear if we don't show up right when it starts!! Besides which, I probably won't even know anyone there, they'll all be drinking, and I'm just going to sit there looking around and feeling stupid. *sigh* That's enough of my bitter, self-centeredness for today. Time to put on a happy face and go clean the house. Not like I really want to do that either.... I just want to find a comfortable position and STAY IN IT!

Monday, December 10, 2007

30 weeks...

seems like such a long time, but it really isn't. I'm now 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and starting to experience all kinds of new things. Let's just start with the contractions: I didn't expect them to stop me in my tracks, or start when I was laughing!!

Leg cramps are NO fun, but I can deal with them. What I can't deal with is my legs suddenly giving out underneath me, and having to grab at something to keep from falling right on my belly! Yes, that happened at work one day.... thank God I managed to catch myself, if I didn't catch the coffee pot.

We figured out where all the baby's bits and pieces were last night... Jen could very clearly feel his head, back, butt and legs! It was the strangest thing to pat around his head, because I was suddenly afraid of poking him in the eye! I know, it's pretty much impossible, but still... I was paranoid.

The Christmas (party) season has begun... we've got 4 to go to in the next 2 weeks! 1 of them is my work party, and 1 I'm basically getting dragged to so that Chris and Josh can get completely hammered and still make it home in one piece. Do they really think I WANT to be smelling alcohol all night when I can't even have a sip??!?? Chris and I will be talking about this in the near future, and I'll probably just get so frustrated with him that I just give in... like always.

*sigh* men... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Ok, I'll take my own hint...

and update again. I am currently 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and can't WAIT to meet the little person that's been keeping me up so many nights. I've finished making Christmas cards, and we're sending them out on Thursday. Dad and I are finally seeing Hairspray (been trying to do that for close to a month now), and I'm going to try AGAIN to schedule something with Jos. Even if it's just a GH marathon between the two of us... still it's something.

Meliss and Michelle are coming in soon!!!!!! I'm doing my snoopy dance already!! YAY!!!

I've been taking bets all day today on how early/late Ronnie will get here, and so far the earliest I've heard is Feb 1, and the latest I've heard is end of Feb. He's due on the 14th, but I know babies rarely actually come out on their due dates. Still crossing my fingers on that c-section thing, but now that I know I don't have GD, that's a weight off my shoulders. No diet adjustments, no extra concerns (as if I don't have enough!!) and no additional u/s.

The landlord is still trying to sell the whole block, which will be a little scary if he decides not to renew our lease at the end of this month. I'm starting to look for a new place around here... has to be at least 2 bed, within a 10 mile radius. The landlord's asking $950K when the entire block appraised for less than $400K. So, as if being pregnant wasn't enough, now I have to worry about MOVING while hugely pregnant.

Yes, I am huge. I'm turning sideways for everything from dishes to working the register, and still having pillow fights. I got smart and started using my body pillow, which Chris HATES, since it's one more thing between him and me when he's trying to snuggle. I've gotten a little bit clingy with him lately, and I don't know why... it's not like I'm afraid of him leaving or anything. I know he'd never do that to me, not after the discussions we had a few months ago. I just... like having him around in case anything happens, I guess. That and he gives a KILLER backrub. Very appreciated nowadays.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

hrm...

So, it's been about 10 days, and I figured time for an update. Saw the doctor on Dad's birthday, and the baby's doing fine. I was 28 weeks, and he measured 29 cm... just a little bigger than normal. Right now I'm just hoping he's not so big I HAVE to have a c-section. That would be miserable... to be trapped up here for 3 weeks.... I'd pull all my hair out!

He's just now getting to the point that you can feel him from outside. Chris felt him roll over for the first time the other night, and after I fell asleep, they stayed up and played "tag" for close to an hour! The pillow fights have begun, and I think we'll either be buying some new, non-flat ones soon, or I'll be out on the couch until Feb. I'll get a couple pillows arranged behind my back and under my belly, and then Chris will steal one from my back, forcing me to start all over again. It's getting old REALLY fast.

It's wierd how I keep running into girls about my age who are also pregnant... first the one girl at Rick's (I still don't know her name, but next time I'll ask her) and now Vanessa Zambrano from St. Johns! I haven't seen her in 5 years, if not longer, and she's about 9 weeks right now. I think it's God's way of telling me that I'm not alone... I was praying for some people I could relate to, and here they are!

Thanksgiving was really nice, I thought. Dawn and Dana pretty much ignored us, but then, that's typical for them. Patrick couldn't get enough of my belly, but I'm glad he got to see it before it disappears (HA!). The bellyrubs have begun, but so far they're all from family and don't bother me. What would really freak me out is if some stranger thought they had the right to rub my belly just because it's there. Spencers has a new maternity section with sayings such as, "Touch the belly, lose a hand" and "I'm fat because I'm pregnant.... what's your excuse?" Unfortunately, they don't make them in my size, so I don't get to be sarcastic.

I'm starting to look forward to Christmas... I guess Chris is off for Orthodox Christmas (Jan 7) so we might be going to church after all. I told him that it really depends on my work schedule. If I'm working the day after, I'm not going. I can't be up all night, sleep for 2 hours, and still be functional the next day.... I just don't work that way.

It's funny how people don't listen, even when they specifically ask you something. Dad asked me when we went out for "drinks" what I need from him now, as my dad. I told him the one thing I need now is to know that he doesn't want the family to fall apart... I need to know that the family matters to him. He said then that it does, but he's not putting his money where his mouth is. I just don't get how he can NOT see what a difference it makes when he actually does his work. It befuddles me, it really does.

I realized that it's not Grandpa I have a problem with, it's Grandma, so we're sticking with Philip as a middle name. I also found a daily Bible study that I've been keeping up with for 3 days now. I know it's going to get harder after the baby's born, but that's why I'm making it a habit NOW.
Speaking of habits... I was thinking about it today, and I haven't smoked at all in the past 6 months, haven't done any drugs since April, and haven't had a drink since before that! I know, I never should've done any of that in the first place, but I'm celebrating my victory anyway.

Now that I know how hard it is to quit smoking, I have alot more respect for AT. Before, I used to wonder why she couldn't just quit already. It's not that easy. I quit pretty much cold turkey as soon as I found out about the baby, and it was really hard for the first couple weeks. I would be walking to work, NOT smoking my first cigarette of the day, and boy-oh-boy did I want one! It helped to know that I didn't have any left, and for a while I had to leave my bank card and my cash at home so I wouldn't buy any more. Now, though, I can go for a couple weeks without even wanting a cigarette. So, I give AT huge props for making a real effort!!

Ugh... there goes my "break". Time to go finish cleaning the house... or at least some of it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Haywire...

Emotions are going haywire again, and I hate them. I cried for a good 5 minutes about nothing, and decided to get up and write instead of laying there crying some more. I don't understand how anyone could consider this the "best time" of their life.... I really don't. They must all have really crappy lives, then is the only thing I can think whenever I hear that. "Oh, I loved my pregnancy so much... it was so wonderful!" Compared to what?? I personally hate it. I can't stand the fact that any little thing makes me cry, I hate the fact that no food appeals to me and I don't like the fact that my stomach is starting to get in my way!! But enough about me.... the world doesn't revolve around me.

I was reading the paper this morning, and was reminded of that couple who had four kids... a baby, an 18 month old, I think a 3 year old and a 5 yo.... and the kids were found in piles of their own crap, basically. I just can't understand how ANYone could subject another person to living like that... especially a baby!! And then the dad tried to say that his job was SOOOO stressful that he HAD to do drugs, and he'd been punished enough by having his face plastered all over tvs and newspapers. WHAT??!? I hope that mom gets her kids back. I think she's really, truely sorry for what she did, and I don't think she'll let anything like that happen again.

They're still looking for that Stacy Peterson girl... the 23 yo. Bolingbrook cop's wife...There haven't been any new developments, no leads, no nothing. I personally think he did it. Just like Lisa Stebic, who's been gone for I think about 6 months now. They call in all these psychics who say "Oh, she's under a tree, and there's lots of water and..." I don't believe any of it. I don't think they can really "see" her, or "feel" her anymore than the rest of us can. Here's hoping that something turns up soon!

On top of all that, there's a story in there about the village, and how they don't post their board meeting minutes on the website... ya think?? We've been trying to get to a village meeting for 2 months, and I'm at least going to this one. Something needs to be done about the parking situation here. Either Watson's needs to build a parking lot out back, or the landlord needs to do something. He's got a 3 car lot on the corner for 9 units... by no stretch of the imagination is that enough! Not only that, but I'm not walking all the way around the corner just to unload groceries or laundry!! I asked a couple of the cops what would hypothetically happen if I personally put signs up saing "tenant parking only", and they said that since it hadn't been done by the village, they couldn't enforce it. So, it's looking like we're screwed either way on this one. *sigh* I hate podunk towns. I really do.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

the so-called "joys" of pregnancy

Been up since 4:30 this morning, can't get comfortable no matter what I do, can't fall asleep and I'm EXHAUSTED! No tylenol PM to be had for love or money in this stupid town after 9 pm... current time is 11:14 pm. I've been trying to fall asleep since about 8... 3 hours of miserable nothingness.

I'm losing my mind slowly, and I'm not going to get it back anytime soon. Not to mention that I still feel like crap. Don't know what it was/is, but I've been drinking alot more fluid which isn't really doing anything either way. Bland food isn't really making a difference either. I'm about ready to give up. Everyone says "oh, enjoy it while you can!" IT'S NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE!!! going on 21 hours with no sleep, little food (everything makes me feel sick) and 2 bottles of gatorade. Yeah... not doing this again anytime soon.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Ugh...

Dontcha just hate days where you wake up in the morning and know it's not going to be a good day? It makes me want to go back to bed and not come out until like... 530 tonight. Wake up feeling sick, STILL feeling a little sick 2 hours later, and just hoping it's nothing serious. Probably just something I ate a couple days ago... if it's not better by tonight, I'm going to the doc.

But I'm glad Dad finally clicked it. We were praying for you guys the other night, and I remember saying, "God, they promised each other forever, and 22 years isn't forever!" I felt like a 3 year old... "but you PROMISED!!" Remember that "letter from God" prayer thing you told me about a few years ago? I haven't done that for a while, but I did it the other night, and one of the things God showed me is that I've been shutting Him out alot lately... just like Dad. And that I need to take the first step, regardless of how scary it is. How does it go... Faith is stepping off the edge of everything you've ever known, into the darkness, knowing that there will be a ledge to stand on or you will be taught to fly? I need to do that... step out in faith, and let God catch me. I've realized that these past couple nights as Chris and I make a point of praying together.

He surprised me, and made me ashamed of myself the other day. He asked me how come I never pray anymore, why don't I read my Bible or anything anymore? He said, "That was one of the first things I liked about you, that you prayed out loud. You don't do that anymore." ZING... score one for God, through Chris. So then of course, what do I do? Stay up until 2 am reading my Bible, going over some old studies. I need to find a new one... and not a once a week one either, b/c I'll forget or procrastinate, or just not do it. Off to look for one right now!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Oy....

I'm tired. I know, it's part of being a mom/wife/good friend, but still... I'm tired. After going to the hospital around noon or 1 yesterday (hadn't eaten since 8am), they told me I couldn't eat!!! How are you going to tell a pregnant woman she can't eat??!??!?? So, I've been making up for lost time today, but it's all healthy stuff. A pear, a salad, a slice of coffee cake, and I"m about to go get my marshmallow fix. I said it's been, not it all will be!!!

Still working on the blanket, and dealing with Lil Man's schedule. He likes to try and keep me up at night, but lately I've been so tired that it just doesn't matter. I've just been watching the bump get bigger, and finding things to laugh at in life. He can hear me laughing, singing, talking to him. He may not be able to make out words yet, but he knows my voice. How cool is that?! It was fun listening to him kick at the monitor yesterday, like he wanted it off or something.

The next few hours are going to be very low key, since I'm supposed to work tomorrow. Already looking forward to thursday!!! Chinese - yum!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

"Right? Of course right." Yente from Fiddler on the Roof

The bump is getting bigger!! I almost lost my balance just walking down the street yesterday... how wierd is that? I go to look down and all I see is belly, I can't sit certain ways anymore, I can't just bolt up from bed like I used to. It's kinda strange, not being able to do those things, or go 2 hours without running for the nearest bathroom, but at the same time, I know it's a good thing. It means the baby's growing, it means nature is taking it's course. It means a million different things.

I feel like a cow, but a pretty cow, because I take the time to make sure I look nice before I leave the house. That has made ALOT of difference in the past few days. I went to work happier than they've seen me in a long time, was cheerful all day, and came home only slightly beat.

I'm keeping my mind on happy things like my small family, the blanket I'm making for the baby (measures 3 ft. across and 1 ft. up right now), and feeling him kick and turn summersaults. It's so funny to just suddenly feel my stomach go "blurp" and feel his little foot. It's so tiny!!! He's only about a foot long right now and weighs about a pound... he's an "ittle tiny baby" as Chris puts it. *sigh* I have come to the conclusion that life is good...not perfect, not always ideal, but good. And most of what isn't perfect, ideal or good is something that I have no control over, so it does me no good to fuss over it. Right?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Last night...

went alot better than I expected. We talked about the baby, about how serious Dad is about any of his healing stuff. He asked me what I need from him as a dad now, and I told him that really the only thing I need from him is proof that he doesn't want the family to fall apart. The only thing I need from him is for him to step up and do more than just what needs to be done. We talked about some steps he should take... don't know if/when he will, but when I mentioned them he was like, "oh, yeah... I really should do that!" We talked about the next step of his healing, working on his character flaws, and I hope this new counselor really helps him with that. I wouldn't say I saw a different Dad than I saw 2 years ago, but I saw potential, which encouraged me. I saw that he wants to make an effort, but maybe sometimes he doesn't know how? We talked about that alot, actually... what to do when you're not quite sure what the next step is. We talked about going out to Princeton on Friday, and getting that ticket taken care of and the title transfered so that the car is really Michelle's and I have no further attatchment to it, and me opening a savings account in my name only so that there's money set aside in case anything happens. It may not be much at first, but a few dollars a week will start to add up! We'll see what happens with that. It was really nice, even through all the hard parts. I'm glad we made it work, and hopefully we can keep the connection up again.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Poem

I wrote a poem on my myspace that kinda tells the story of the last couple years for me... Some things you probably didn't know in there.. some you might've guessed. It really crushes me (for lack of a better word) that things are the way they are. So many times I've cried for you guys... so many times I've wanted to shake some sense into Dad... so many times I've wanted you to just walk away. But you won't. That's not who you are, it never has been and it never will be. You keep trying and praying thinking that "this time it'll be different." I hope for your sake that it is. I hope this is the "magic bill" that gets Dad to the point of being able to fix himself and your guys's marriage. Like I said before, it's not my fault, but it still hurts like hell to know that he's breaking your heart day after day. To know that he makes you cry so much... to know that you can't stand to be around him....to know that NOTHING has changed in the past 2.5 years. It hurts to know that there's nothing I can do. I know you'd tell me if there was.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

So, I know it's not my fault

but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like all hell. My heart is in pieces right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put them back together. My family appears to be ripping at the seams... the one thing I've believed my entire life is starting to look like a lie, and I don't know how to deal with that. Like UJ said, "It's a two part equation, and I'm just one part of it." Yes, I'm glad the baby is healthy, but if it would make my FAMILY healthy, I'd give him up in a heartbeat. Ok, no I wouldn't. After feeling him kick so strongly last night, and knowing that he can HEAR me and will soon recognize my voice, I couldn't give him up! He's my pride and joy already, and sometimes my only company. But still, it's so hard to tell what Dad is feeling... last weekend I didn't even know if he was glad to see me until almost the end. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what to talk to him about except work and you guys, and after a while, even THAT gets uncomfortable. I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't. I wish I could put a bandaid on it and call it "all better" but a bandaid won't heal a gunshot wound. I wish, I wish, I wish.... none of it's going to happen. We've been praying, and you've been trying for 2.5 years. Do you really think that paying off the "almighty bill" is going to solve anything? He'll just move on to the next bill, and the next one, and the next one, and on and on it goes. Remember that day in the kitchen when I was making breakfast but dropped it because you needed a hug and you started crying? You said "We're right back to where we were when you were 2." Dad hasn't changed in 17 years!!! If he hasn't changed in 17 years, why would he change now? What's different NOW? As much as I don't want it, I almost wish you guys would split up. At least that way he can't make you cry anymore. at least then he won't be breaking your heart every day.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

tears on my pillow

So, I found out the other day that my parents might be splitting up.... and then I read a poem my brother wrote yesterday saying something about "the papers have already been signed" and started crying. I don't want my family to fall apart!! I know I contributed to it, but still.... I feel like a little kid with a block tower. You know.. the kid who puts one to many blocks on, and his tower tips over on him, and he starts bawling because now he has to start all over.... that kid. I just don't know how to process this.... I don't know how I'm supposed to make it fit. I mean, loving my dad is like loving a brick wall sometimes; he doesn't show anything. When I told him that I'm pregnant, he just sat there and nodded, which is a pretty typical response for him. Makes me wonder what's going to happen when I go into labor? Is he just going to sit there and nod some more? I mean, this is his first grandchild, and he doesn't really seem to care all that much. I just have this one memory flash right now: I'm about 13, and Dad is holding me as tight as he can. I remember thinking, "he'd never let anything happen to me... he makes me feel so safe." Now I think, "why is he doing this? Does he even WANT to be a family anymore? Does he want to be ALONE?" There are no answers, not yet... but there will be in June. If he ruins Mom's birthday like he ruined mine a couple years ago, I'll have a hard time forgiving him. Isn't it bad enough that he makes her cry? That she sleeps on the couch because she doesn't want to be anywhere near him? That she didn't even want to spend their anniversary together? Isn't all that enough? Does he have to ruin her birthday too? There are times I just want to shake him and hope it knocks the cobwebs loose and lets him think straight again.... if he ever did.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Update!!

Ok, so, for those of you who DON'T know, I'm pregnant. Almost 22 weeks, actually. I've gone to the doctor, seen my baby, heard his heartbeat (yes, it's a boy) and my husband and I have picked out a name for him: Ronald Philip Baran. Ronald in honor of my hubby's stepdad of whom he says, "He made me the man I am today." and Philip in honor of my grandpa, to kinda carry on his legacy of love. I've been spending alot more time with my family because it relaxes me, and because I've just got SOOOO many questions; this being my first pregnancy and all. But, all in all, things are looking up for me. Work is going very nicely, I like all my co-workers and as far as I know, they all like me! So... my eyes are burning since I haven't really slept in close to 2 weeks. I'm gonna go try this "sleep" thing again... see if it works. I'm about to give up on it altogether.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

6 weeks

Alot has changed the past 6 weeks.. I got married, went on my honeymoon, had my first ever encounter with heartburn (that one I coulda lived without.) I'm still trying to put my house back together. All our suitcases from the wedding weekend, our suitcases from our honeymoon not to mention the daily stuff like dishes and cooking. I'll get the hang of it eventually, right? I just get so overwhelmed!

On the other hand, my brother and I are talking again.. YAY! We had a nice convo last night about his "new" friends... new to me anyway... and school and how much he wants a job. I told him he could have mine, but apparently he doesn't want one THAT badly. I've also taken up knitting again. Don't know why I ever gave it up... one of my favorite things in the world to do.

I found out that my long-time gf, Maria, is hugely pregnant, and right now I'm praying for her and her baby. I haven't talked to her in probably close to 2 years, but I still consider her a dear friend. We've known each other for about 8 years, and the past several of those we've kinda lost track of each other, only to reconnect later. So, here's to reconnections, and being loved. You know you are... just look up.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

So here we are....

a month to go till the wedding, no invites, our guestlist still isn't finalized, I don't even have a dress (!!!!) and I'm beginning to wonder if this is going to happen at all. I went over to my mom's earlier this week and we had a crafty day. I made this ginormous tag of all the things that make me ME.... family, music, drama, my kitty and a "happy card." Chris looked at it and said, "My name's not on here as number one??!?" What an eye opener for me... not only was he not number one, he didn't factor into my "me" tag at ALL!

So, I took Joseph out for his birthday about a week ago.. we went to Red Robin per his request and then back to the house to hang. Other than that, not much new... Chris and I are falling into a routine here... I cook, clean up, do the dishes... he does the kitty litter, garbage and organizing. I'm a horrible organizer, so it works. On the days that he's off and I'm working, he'll make me dinner or powerclean the house.

I've got this snippet of a memory running through my head right now; well, actually I've got two of them. One of them is walking through the mall at probably 4 or 5 years old holding my dad's hand and him sinnging "my girl" to me. The other is just my mom's voice singing "you are my sunshine" Not quite sure what to make of the fact that they're both running through my head on a loop right now. anyone have any ideas?

Friday, July 13, 2007

lately

Things have been a little hectic for me lately... between the races at work, JP and Jen moving out and just various other stuff. So, last week I think I got my 4 big glasses of water twice... which is better than I was before. I've stepped up to a 32 oz glass, so all it takes is 2 now. This week, I've already gotten it twice, and going for my third on Sunday. Jon from work's birthday is today, Joseph's birthday is tomorrow, Denise's birthday is Sunday, and John from work (yes, there are two of them, but they spell their names differently) has a birthday on the 17th. What is it with the July birthdays????

We're now down to 2 cats, my Axl and a black kitten that we're getting rid of shortly. The others have all either been given away or moved out with JP and Jen. We walked in from vacation as they were walking OUT... that was kinda strange. So, lately Chris and I have been kinda taking turns making dinner. He does most of the nasty jobs, i.e kitty litter, big bags of garbage; while I do most of the dishes and general upkeep. I don't mind it though, because it's not so overwhelming now. I'm not EXPECTED to do everything anymore, nor am I ASKED to do everything. That's about all I've got time for tonight.. look for another update this coming week.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Mom's B-day

So, today's my mom's birthday. I made it up in time to go to church with the whole family, and we went out to Naperville, and played Golf (card game). Good times, good times... "note the perfectly manicured nails!!" Trooper died yesterday... I'm sad. Work's been work... nothing new there. We spent the last couple days getting stuff ready for the wedding; getting Chris a tux, getting our rings. SHOOT! I forgot to look for my birth certificate!!!!! AARRRGGGHHH! Oh well. Anyway, we've got 4 kittens.. probably about 2 or 3 months old, so anybody that wants kittens let me know. Our landlord is looking to sell the whole block of buildings that he owns, so we might be looking for somewhere new to stay in about 6 months. Other than that, there really isn't anything new going on here, except I'm getting more respect. YAY ME! lol.. I've started putting my foot down more, and I like the new me. My resolution for the week: drink my 4 big glasses of water at least 3 times this week. I'll check back in later and let you know how I did.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

going through the motions

*sigh* do you ever get tired of just going through the motions of life? I sure do. Lately, it feels like that's all I've been doing. Fighting with Chris, going to work, coming home to fight some more. I'm so sick of it! We haven't spent any kind of real time together lately, unless you count the first and last five minutes of someone's day as "time together". Tonight we watched School for Scoundrels, and not even 5 minutes after the movie was over, he was out cold. Why am I doing this to myself? What am I hoping to get out of it? Honestly, I don't even know if we're going to get married in August. Here it is June 7, we haven't done any of the planning, don't have invites, don't have ANYTHING. I don't think it's going to happen. I really don't. I was reading my book today, and one chapter was on standing by your family. Family can mean alot of different things... it can be your family of origin, it can be friends. What family boils down to is people you can celebrate life with, the little things as well as the big. Something that may seem small and trivial to most of you, but it's a big thing to me: it's been a week since my last drive off. I'm getting better at my job. I'm getting worse at knowing myself. Who am I, anyway? I feel so numb lately, and I don't know why. Ok, I do know why, but I don't want to admit it.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Appreciate your friends

"it is with gratitude that i get to walk with you toward your vision of excellence, compassionate service and informed hope." Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life.

"Be the peace you wish to see in the world." Mohandas K. Ghandi

"What if it's true that...the main purpose of my life is that my mistakes should serve as a warning to others?" Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life

I don't know if I'd like that, but I guess... as long as my life serves a purpose. I hope that's not all it is, though. I hope I have a more important purpose. On the other hand, as long as I can help someone, I'll feel a little bit important.

"If I am dissatisfied with the where of where I stand and the what of what I do, I can either:
a) change the dreams I'm dreaming or
b) love the life I'm living, and live it knowing it is everything I need." Mary Anne Radmacher Lean Forward into Your Life

What dreams am I dreaming? I'm dreaming about a career, school, and my own family someday. I'm not willing to change those dreams for anyone. So, then I love the life I'm living and live it knowing it is everything I need.

Something my mom always told me: Don't be afraid to ask for what I need, and give whatever help I can. I usually try to, but there comes a point when you need to help yourself. Why do I not ask for help? Because I've been shot down alot, and I've just kinda learned to do whatever needs to be done, rather than count on someone else doing it.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Fail with enthusiasm???

Intentional change is the most ferocious response to fear exerpted from "Lean Forward into your life" by Maryanne Radmacher... So, what am I afraid of, and how am I changing?

Why don't I ask for what I want? What unacceptable circumstances do I tolerate, and why? What do I need to let go of? What inappropriate burdens? What thoughts that weigh heavy on my spirit?


I am afraid of... silence, solitude

I am changing... by... not even knowing myself anymore, not having any real friends.

I don't ask for what I want because... I've been shot down so many times that I've just given up.

I accept... being woken up at 5:30 in the morning, regardless of when I went to bed
because.... I feel guilty if I don't.

I need to let go of... responsibility for other people. They can take care of themselves. I need to do the same.

Weighing heavy on me right now is... my future, my dead-end job, my lack of self-esteem.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Another version of my ABC's

THE LETTER A
Are you available?: not between the hours of 11-5 most days.
Age?: 19..
Annoyances: insensitive people, waking up to ignornant notes, not getting my wind-down time after work.

THE LETTER B
Do you live in a big house?: No, but I want to some day.
When is your birthday?: March 24, 1988.
Who is your best friend?: My mom.

THE LETTER C
What's your favorite candy?: gigantic jawbreakers... they last FOREVER!
Who's your crush?: I honestly can't say that I have one.
When was the last time you cried?: the other night... cried myself to sleep.
Cell phone minutes used : couldn't say off the top of my head.

THE LETTER D
Do you daydream?: all the time
What's your favorite kind of dog?: I've got 2: my Schnitzel or Yorkies.
What day of the week is it?: Thursday... 2 more days of work, and then I get a break.... hopefully.

THE LETTER E
How do you like your eggs?: Over medium.
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: more times than I care to count... broken arm, a couple times with Chris for different reasons... probably more I don't remember.
Easiest thing ever to do?: Hold a conversation? I dunno!!

THE LETTER F
Have you ever flown in a plane?: Yep. And I'd do it again if I had the chance.
Use fly swatters?: When I can find 'em!!

THE LETTER G
Do you chew gum?: almost constantly
Are you a giver or a taker?: That kinda depends on the day.
Do you like gummy candies?: Some... I'm more a fan of PEEPS.

THE LETTER H
How are you?: tired, crabby because I've been off work for 6 hours and STILL haven't gotten my down time.
What color is your hair?: Dark brown... but I want to dye it again.

THE LETTER I
What's your favorite ice cream?: I've got a couple: choc. chip cookie dough, mint choc. chip.
Have you ever ice skated?: Yes, it's not to bad... I'd go again if I could.

THE LETTER J
What's your favorite jelly?: Strawberry
Do you wear jewelry?: YES. I love jewelry. Especially the kind that makes me look sophistamacated. :-P

THE LETTER K
Who do you want to kill?: That's for me to know and you to find out!
Do you want kids?: Someday...

THE LETTER L
Are you laid back?: I can be..
Do you lie?: Sometimes, but I try not to.

THE LETTER M
What's your favorite movie?: Ummm... dunno. Crank was pretty good, tho.
Do you like mangoes?: Don't remember ever having one!

THE LETTER N
Do you have a nickname?: Yes, many. One of them is "Caser"... given by one of the cops here in town.
Whats your favorite number?: mmm... I'd have to say 3 just because.
Do you prefer night over day?: No.. I like being able to see outside.

THE LETTER O
What's your one wish?: Does world peace count?
Are you an only child?: Nope. 1 younger brother that I don't spend enough time with.

THE LETTER P
What one fear are you most paranoid about?: My future. Right now it's looking pretty bleak.
What personality trait do you look for in people?: respectful, funny, curteous.

THE LETTER Q
What's your favorite quote?: "Had I known but yesterday what I know today/I'd have taken out your two grey eyes and put in eyes of clay./And had I known but yesterday you'd be no more my own/I'd have taken out your heart of flesh and put in one of stone" Tam Lin

THE LETTER R
Do you think you're always right?: No, and I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong.

THE LETTER S
Do you prefer sun or rain?: Sun.

THE LETTER T
What time is it?: 11:21 pm.
What time did you wake up?: The first time? 4:00 am, the second time, 8 something, the third time, 10:45 am.
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: a few years ago... me and Jos and Michelle camped out in the back yard... the tent was a LEETLE to small, tho.

THE LETTER U
Are you wearing underwear?: yep

THE LETTER V
What's the worst veggie: Mushrooms, onions, water chestnuts.
Where do you want to go on vacation?: Europe, an aimless wandering trip, Cali, Mexico

THE LETTER W
What's your worst habit?: probably biting my nails..
Where do you live?: Elwood (aka Tha Wood) IL
What's your worst fear?: solitude and darkness.

THE LETTER X
Have you ever had an x-ray?: yup... arm, head... can't remember any others.
Have you seen the x-games?: no, but I know what they are, unlike SOME people!! (love ya, Mom!)
Do you own a xylophone?: No

THE LETTER Y
Do you like the color yellow?: Yes.
What's one thing you yearn for?: Peace in my soul.

THE LETTER Z
What's your zodiac sign?: Aries.
Do you believe in the zodiac?: Nah.. but it's fun to read my horoscope sometimes.
Favorite zoo animal?: The red butted monkeys!! ROFL!!

Monday, May 14, 2007

thoughts

So, I was thinking the other day about how much I try to drown out my own thoughts. Instead of sitting with them, letting them come to the surface, I'll turn on the tv or some music or pick up a book. My mom posted somethin on her site that made me think about all the good stuff we did together: museum trips, laughing, just chillin, zoo trips (can't say I'd be to interested in those anymore), talking about some really shallow and some really deep stuff... the list goes on and on and on. Then I started thinking about what of that stuff I do anymore, and it was kinda depressing. Chris and I finally went out last night just the two of us for the first time in over a year. While it was nice to spend time with him, I wonder if he took the hint. I mean... when we don't go out unless it's a big group of us, I start to feel like my company's not enough for him anymore. I start to wonder if he even really cares or if he's just pretending to. I wish I could believe that he really cares... but I'm not sure. I'm afraid of alot of things... including being an outcast or being alone. I know we need counseling, but Chris won't go, which means that I'm going to have to get healthy by myself. So... that's what I'm going to do. Get healthy, hope it helps, and pray for wisdom and strength. I'm going to stop blowing people off. I'm going to start being a woman of my word. That's how my mom raised me, and honestly, I'm ashamed of the person I've become. As mom says, "If you're man enough to do it, be man enough to own up to it." so... I am. I know I've hurt alot of people, and I know some of them may never forgive me, but I'm trying to rebuild some of the relationships I've lost. I'm taking baby steps toward being myself... my REAL self.

Monday, May 7, 2007

exercising

Well, I'm on my way to getting in better shape. Two sessions at Curves, and I love it. I love how it makes me feel when I come home. I might be a little bit tired, but I've got GOBS more energy than when I left. *sighs* Things are GOOD. Chris is making an effort to do some of the things we've talked about, I'm working out and starting to feel good about myself again, and I'm getting back into my 'healthy reading'. I'm calling the clinic today to see about making an appointment. I need to get back on my medicine, and if this is what I have to do to get it, then this is what I'm doing. That and I'm not doing anything unhealthy anymore; no smoking, no drinking, no nothing. I'm getting back to myself. Now all I have to do is get my sleep schedule back on track. GO ME! I am woman, hear me roar! GRRRR!

Sunday, May 6, 2007

So, I get home from work the other day after smiling for 6 hours straight and dealing with all kinds of stuff/people that weren't exactly pleasant. All I want to do is sit down, eat something for the first time all day, and relax for a little bit. As soon as I walk in the door, Christopher says, "What time did you want to go do that laundry?" I swear, I pulled an Exorcist move on him... spinning head and all. I went ballistic because we've talked about this before... ALOT!!

His response? "Well, I didn't want it to get to late." I almost cried. Then, we're up until about midnight last night, he still wakes me up at 5:30 to make him a lunch. How difficult can it be to slap some mayo on some bread, split the remaining turkey in half, put half on each slice of bread, smash 'em together and put it all in a bag? NOT VERY. I did it half asleep today. But then again, he was up long after I fell asleep. Oh, and we got a new keyboard. YAY!!!! Shift buttons work and everything!!! Thanks, Bre!

Aye Carumba... my eyes hurt. I'm going to do the dishes and get back to bed... I'm exhausted.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

reading

ok, so i'm reading this book called 'lean forward into your life' and in it i read today that i have a unique purpose... a unique intention that only i can bring to whatever i attempt. and i figured out why i write so much... because i'm trying to sort things out, and because i want to learn things that are deeply hidden inside me. i also learned that i am responsible for the history i'm creating... i can choose how to remember things. i'm the only one who can influence my actions and attitudes. i don't need to identify myself by my shortcomings or the things i can't do.

I also came up with a new way to identify the hurts in my heart... they're not scars, they're stories. each hurting part of me really does have a story behind it. i never thought of it that way. hmm. things to ponder.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

today

i had an interview at the racetrack for another possible job today. the lady i met with made it seem like i've got the job at least a few days a week. Chris has been sleeping all day, he told me he made plans for us this saturday... all he'll tell me is to dress casually. makes me curious. other than that, things are ok. i went shopping with my mom on sunday, which made me happy. i got some new shirts, some jewelry, flip flops, some flowers and heel pads for my 'work shoes'. i like working at bp... the people are nice, and it's not anything i can't handle. other than that, not much going on. i'm going over to mom's again this sunday for service and breakfast, probably. so... we've postponed the wedding for personal reasons, and chris is still pretty upset about that. leave me some love

Friday, April 27, 2007

latest edition of the Cassie Chronicles

Well, i got my employee i.d. from work yesterday, which means i can now sign on to the cash register, and start/end a shift all by myself. YAY... i'm a big girl now. i also got my official schedule - Tues, Thurs, Fri and Sat... mostly afternoons with one night. that's once i get out of training, of course.... i'm almost done. my spec sheet is almost all signed off for 2nd shift. now i just have to learn how to close up the store. what else... oh. Denise and the kids came over earlier this week. right as i was starting to get ready for work, Denise says, 'oh, let's talk about the wedding.' i told her i've talked to her son about it countless times, and nothing ever happens, so i'm done talking. she's like, 'well, there has to be SOMETHING you can still do.'

isn't it pointless to start planning something that you have NO money for.... i think so. it just makes me more depressed. then i find out that denise has offered to pay for most of the wedding, wich isn't what i want. because then she's going to start asserting herself into the decorations, the cake, the food... and then it won't be MY wedding anymore.

Chris found a house in town for sale yesterday... 3 doors up from where we used to live. I guess Rodney and them are all moving out at the end of this week, and i found someone to hold on to the piano for me until i have somewhere for it again. back to the house for sale... payments of 657 a month, but i told chris that i didn't want to move AGAIN already... we JUST got here, things still aren't all in place, and he wants to move again why.

i finally caught up with my dad last night, which was nice. i don't talk to him that much, so when i do, it's for a while. chris didn't know it was Dad, so when i came out of our room, he started asking questions... who was that... everything ok... what's going on. once he knew it was dad, he was ok. For some reason, he seems to be very suspicious of my online friends and anyone i talk to on the phone. For example, i was talking to a friend i haven't seen in probably 3 years, and he said something about 'your other boyfriend'... i've talked to Chris about this particular guy, and he knows it's just a friendship, so what's his problem....

when i leave for work later, i'm going to leave him a note, if he's not up already, asking him to PLEASE do the laundry... i bet 5 bucks he won't, even though we've got the money. i'm watching my cats play with each other... they always make me smile, even when they're being bad. that doesn't say much for my disciplinary skills, now does it... they're just so cute. Apparently one of the girls that used to come around here is now spreading rumors that i'm pregnant, and now people are starting to ask. that hurts, because i thought that girl was my friend. WRONG. friends don't tell stories about each other.... unless they're the good kind.

that's pretty much it for me.... more later.

latest edition of the Cassie Chronicles

Well, i got my employee i.d. from work yesterday, which means i can now sign on to the cash register, and start/end a shift all by myself. YAY... i'm a big girl now. i also got my official schedule - Tues, Thurs, Fri and Sat... mostly afternoons with one night. that's once i get out of training, of course.... i'm almost done. my spec sheet is almost all signed off for 2nd shift. now i just have to learn how to close up the store. what else... oh. Denise and the kids came over earlier this week. right as i was starting to get ready for work, Denise says, 'oh, let's talk about the wedding.' i told her i've talked to her son about it countless times, and nothing ever happens, so i'm done talking. she's like, 'well, there has to be SOMETHING you can still do.'

isn't it pointless to start planning something that you have NO money for.... i think so. it just makes me more depressed. then i find out that denise has offered to pay for most of the wedding, wich isn't what i want. because then she's going to start asserting herself into the decorations, the cake, the food... and then it won't be MY wedding anymore.

Chris found a house in town for sale yesterday... 3 doors up from where we used to live. I guess Rodney and them are all moving out at the end of this week, and i found someone to hold on to the piano for me until i have somewhere for it again. back to the house for sale... payments of 657 a month, but i told chris that i didn't want to move AGAIN already... we JUST got here, things still aren't all in place, and he wants to move again why.

i finally caught up with my dad last night, which was nice. i don't talk to him that much, so when i do, it's for a while. chris didn't know it was Dad, so when i came out of our room, he started asking questions... who was that... everything ok... what's going on. once he knew it was dad, he was ok. For some reason, he seems to be very suspicious of my online friends and anyone i talk to on the phone. For example, i was talking to a friend i haven't seen in probably 3 years, and he said something about 'your other boyfriend'... i've talked to Chris about this particular guy, and he knows it's just a friendship, so what's his problem....

when i leave for work later, i'm going to leave him a note, if he's not up already, asking him to PLEASE do the laundry... i bet 5 bucks he won't, even though we've got the money. i'm watching my cats play with each other... they always make me smile, even when they're being bad. that doesn't say much for my disciplinary skills, now does it... they're just so cute. Apparently one of the girls that used to come around here is now spreading rumors that i'm pregnant, and now people are starting to ask. that hurts, because i thought that girl was my friend. WRONG. friends don't tell stories about each other.... unless they're the good kind.

that's pretty much it for me.... more later.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

my ABC's... stolen from mom

ABC's of Me
A - Available/Single? engaged
B- Best Friend? my mom.
C - Cake or Pie? well, if i MUST choose... ice cream pie
D - Drink Of Choice? my 'pamper-me' flavored coffee
E - Essential Item You Use Everyday? cd player
F - Favorite Color? it changes every day. today it's a dark, clear blue like the ocean
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? no difference to me.
H - Home or Homesick? both... in my new home, but homesick for my old home.
I - Indulgence? flavored coffee.
J - January Or February? February...it's closer to spring, it has Valentine's day, and just the way it looks makes me smile.
K - Kids & Their Names? none yet, but i hope to have some someday.
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? love and other people to share it with.
M - Marriage date? 8/26/07
N - Number Of Siblings? 1 brother
O - Oranges Or Apples? apples with a boatload of peanut butter and a little bit of cinnamon sugar - thanks for that combo, Jos.
P - Phobias/Fears? not having anyone anywhere nearby, losing the people i love, spiders and other creepy-crawlies
Q - Favorite Quote: When you're walking through Hell, keep walking. Winston Churchill
R - Rain/Sunshine? Rain, if it's warm but sunshine generally
S - Season? my favorite is spring... it's just now getting warm enough to start calling it that.
T - Tag 3 or 4 people... no comprende.
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I am terrified of being completely alone.
V - Vegetable you don't like? mushrooms, onions, water chestnuts. i'm sure there are more, i just can't think of them.
W- Worst Habit? 1 - biting my nails. 2 - being lazy
X - X-rays You've Had? right arm, head.... can't think of any others.
Y - Your Favorite Food? there was this one meal my mom made... it was a pasta salad with ham or something in it... FABULOUS.
Z - Zodiac Sign? Aries.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

dunno

i hate it when i can't sign on..... it really irritates me. so, about a week ago, i had alot on my mind, and i couldn't get on to type it down, and now my keyboard is all screwed up... another one that bugs me; when people wreck stuff and then won't take responsibility. i mean, come on... everyone that comes over here is over 18, most of them have jobs, and there's no reason to be afraid to say 'hey, i spilled pop on your keyboard; i'll get you a new one.'

on the up side, i did get a job, finally. so, if you guys are passing thru elwood and need gas or snacks or somethin, stop at the only gas station in town and chances are i'll be there. i was supposed to go see my grandpa today, but i took some tylenol pm at 2 in the morning, and it made me sleep until 11 am. don't get me wrong, it feels good to be rested, but i missed out on spending time with my dad and brother and seeing my grandpa... not to mention those fabulous cookies my mom told me about.

speaking of my mom, i read some of her back blogs last night, and one in particular made me cry. she was doing this count-down thing, and one of 2 things she desperately wants is for me to come home. the 16th marked 1 year i've been gone... i don't know why i'm having such a hard time with this, maybe because i have nothing to show for it except a dead-end job at a gas station and blank expression. i try not to let my feelings out to much, because nobody here understands. but then i turn into a pressure cooker, and i explode all over someone who doesn't deserve it....

this would be so much easier if i had my FREAKIN medicine... but of course, i don't, and i probably won't for another 4 or 5 months. talk about pissing me off..... grrrr. and all i hear about it is, 'you're handling it so well... i'm so impressed.... i'm proud of you.' i'm NOT handling it well... i'm just hiding it well. but then, hiding doesn't really work. SIGH..... cross your fingers and say your prayers for me, please.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Why?

Why is it that when I'm stressed, I make lists? Sometimes they're good lists: things that make me happy, movies I want to see, books I liked; and sometimes they're bad lists: things other people do that irritate me, things I haven't done for a while, reasons I'm angry/stressed, tomorrow's hit list. Right now I'm in the process of making about 7 lists, and I think one of them is a good one.

Why is it that when you ask a guy to do something, it takes him forever to pick up on it?? Why is it that when I get stressed, I turn into a card-carrying, broom riding, cauldron stirring witch? Why don't I want to do anything anymore? I don't even want to look for a job, or start school... and sometimes I'm not sure I want to get married. Why? I don't understand it.

Oh, and another thing: why does everyone seem to think that talking about it makes the stress go away? IT'S STILL THERE!!! Why does counseling have such a negative connotation? It's actually really good for you if you do it right... I would know.. I did it wrong.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

birthday bemusement

So, here it is, almost 4 days after my birthday, and still no calls from more than half my family. How depressing is that??!?? Not only that, but I realized today that I depend on other people to much to make me happy. So... tomorrow morning, I'm calling Silver Cross to see if they have any volunteer programs that involve working with babies or toddlers, I'm gonna start making my own plans with my friends, and I'm going to keep looking for a job, and keep calling about the compass tests until I get a call back.

Doesn't that irritate you when people don't call you back? I know it bugs the living snot out of me. Another thing that bugs me... when my fiance rolls over and falls asleep without even kissing me goodnight! I mean... if I can get up at 5:30 every single morning to kiss him, I think he can pucker up for me! Oy VEY!!

I don't think he even understands the meaning of the word "romantic"... his idea of fun is having a big-word contest... telling me that I'm using them improperly, and that "you don't even know what that word means.." He's one to talk. Mr. Hotshot himself... grr. *sigh* ok... ranting over.

I need to get one of those "no complaints" bracelets I saw on Oprah the other night. I probably wouldn't even last a day! But on the upside, I'm getting started at Curves soon! WOO WOO! Hopefully before the wedding, I'll be in decent shape. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm marrying him... he doesn't respect me, he doesn't value me, and I'm never going to be as important to him as I should be. Not to mention his multiple addictions... alcohol, smoking and possibly porn.... I just can't live like this. I made up a list today of things Chris can do to make me happy, and when I showed it to him, he laughed at it. Yeah... laughed at it. So apparently, he doesn't even want to make me happy. None of it was really anything that would take much effort, either!! Call me for no reason, remember funny things that happened, make me dinner on your days off, take me for a walk around town, really talk to me... not just "What's for dinner, babe?" or "did you get the laundry done today?' but real conversation. Watch a movie out in the living room with me, take me out once in a while, eat dinner with me... normal-people stuff. That's what he laughed at.. that list. I just don't know how to take that.

Monday, March 19, 2007

*sigh*

been thinking alot lately... and none of it really that good. I mean, I made some money today for the first time in at least 6 months, and I'm going to end up spending 2/3 of it on LAUNDRY of all things. It was either that or spend my birthday doing laundry.. I don't THINK SO!! Yeah.. my 19th is coming up, and I have nothing to show for it. How depressing is that? I'm not in school, don't have a job, spend most of my time sitting around on my tuckus because there's absolutely nothing to do in Elwood. This sucks. God I hate being depressed. I just wish I had some friends of my own, and I wish I could do something for myself for once... something that would make me feel good about myself. UGH. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I'm not good for anything but cooking and cleaning. I give up.. I can't even make myself feel any better. Even writing it out doesn't help. *sigh*

Friday, February 23, 2007

Today is...

Today has the potential to be the beginning of a great something. I'm starting my exercise program, I have money in the bank, I have people who love me, and I have hot coffee to help me out. If only I could get out of the house more often... I hate living in a small town. Oh well... time to go put on my new Cookie Monster hoodie, try to think of today as one big cookie and take it one bite at a time.